FilmANTic Manny Productions

FILM REVIEW: Schindler's List (1993)

2012-01-29T00:17:00.000-05:00

‘Schindler’s list’ (1993)

AMBLIN ENTERTAINMENT

DIRECTED BY: Stephen Spielberg

STARRING: Liam Neeson, Ben Kingsley

I learned two things tonight: one, that when I write my reviews, the fewer words I use, chances are the better the film. And after watching Schindler’s List for the first time tonight, I learned something else: you don’t touch the Holocaust.

You can make a WWII dogfight action movie in Red Tails, or the most dramatic battle scenes in Saving Private Ryan, you can make an HBO mini-series in The Pacific, you can compile lost war footage from WWII…

But you don’t. Touch. The Holocaust.

No matter what you do, any missed steps in filmmaking can damn you by an entire Jewish generation or culture. But Spielberg the Jew dared to go deep, away from his usual hansy-pansy science fiction, into the red of filmmaking. And after waking up and coming back to reality, I went to my laptop and typed.

Now like I usually do, after viewing a film for the first time, I do abit of research to see what I missed, or production and reactions. And then I noticed a complaint from a French director, Claude Lanzmann, and how this was all a clichéd, Hollywooded drama. His film, Shoah, is a 10-hour film that consists mostly of interviews. While I can’t say much about it, and seeing as how I haven’t seen this 10-hour film… this sounds like a film about interviews and recounts from survivors.

Spielberg made a film with actors, sound effects, scenery, props, and a modern film-camera and filmtape. And my body is shuttering like it’s never, or will never, shuttered before. You’ll forget this was filmed in 4:3 B&W, or the white text that can mix in with the scenes and can make reading them confusing, or even a few typical Spielberg touches. In fact, you’ll forget the world even exists. Because nothing about the Holocaust, nothing in cinema, will petrify your body to your seat and turn your eyes to glass like Schindler’s List.

☆☆☆☆

- Ant

FILM REVIEW: The Artist (2011)

2012-01-22T03:13:00.003-05:00

'The Artist' (2011)
THE WEINSTEIN COMPANY/LA PETITE REINE
DIRECTED BY: Michel Hazanavicius
STARRING: Jean Dujardin, Bérénice Bejo

Ya know, I haven’t been to a real movie theater experience in awhile. Sitting on my ass for Netflix, waiting for a movie to show up at the “dollar theater”, and a few rentals from the now-deceased Blockbuster (bless your soul), but these have been just cheap shots as I further test my interest in film.

However, walking into the Regal after all this time, I remembered why I haven’t gone. The moment I walk in, there’s a poster for another 3D re-release, this time James Cameron’s Titanic. Then a poster for a Three Stooges reboot, another take at a Grimm tale, a re-re-release of Star Wars Episode I, lines packed for a damn Disney reboot, another Underworld movie, another horror movie that’s probably gonna suck… Jesus, I remember as a kid the movie theaters were full of variety and adventure, like a candy store (along with bigger arcades and cheaper tickets than $10.50 for a mere ticket). What happened? Where’s the originality, anymore? Where's the glory of the cinema? Where is the movie of the year, or the start of my year, that’s gonna get me to remember why I love movies, why I majored in film.

Once again, the French answered the call.

Whether it is a bore or a success to the eyes of yesterday and today’s audience, what makes The Artist unique is that doesn’t ask for much from any of these audiences, except our imagination; it doesn’t demand analysis or heavy critiquing. Compared to today’s dynamics in filmmaking, this is a simple 90-min movie, made for B&W, made to look like what you’d see in a film history museum. But this is also a simple movie doing so little, so right. It also makes this review easier to make, because of its flawless execution, I can just make points as to what made it great:

- As I said, this is a just and simple story about love, lose, redemption, and alcoholism in the Great Depression. What you may not notice until later is that, in fact, had The Artist been given the approval of voiceovers, this would’ve turned out to be an over-predictable bore that could stand side-by-side with, well, all the crap I mentioned early this night.

- But this isn’t that kinda movie. This goes back in time, to what movies of its time were really like: black and white, 4:3 (though 16:9 here), pantomimes, text shots, and characters. Characters, characters, characters. Characters that have no voice, and whose means to accessing the audience’s attention is a heavy reliance of facial-expressing…

- Which these two (TWO!) characters capture with such beauty and grace. Characters that have no audible dialogue, but can steal an Oscar in a heartbeat….

- Along with a beautiful score that drives the experience forward in almost-perfect unison with what is onscreen, so much it makes up for the missing voices. Not to forget a scene involving a unique use of excellent SFXs, and a whimsical final scene that plays fun at viewer expectations. These brief moments of audio make you forget you're watching a 21st century movie.

- Which comes back to the stress in subtlety of every shot, with no attempt at exaggeration or flashiness. The direction here asked us to be immersed in characters that put themselves in bigger-than-life situations, nothing more, nothing less. And in this (kind of) film, it’s all we should ask for.

- But most of all, this is the TRUE reboot/remake. NOT a Disney re-release, nor a reboot of The Three Stooges, nor a remake like last year's abysmal Straw Dogs... this is originality, an honest and justice reminder that new technology can resurrect a film style devoted to story and characters, to graceful potential and re-imagination, unseen in theaters in over some seventy years.

This is truly what cinema is all about; a charming and refreshing new life in movie-going, no, an experience, la gloria la cinema, a resurrection of 100 years of filmmaking that’s very worthy of a ten dollar ticket. If you’re as tired as I am with what’s being shown on TV and theaters, this is a charming gem hidden in the shadows that cannot be skipped.

The fact it does something (very) different, earns it kudos. Doing that something rather damn well, earns a ☆☆☆☆.
- Ant

It is 2:00 in the morning...

2012-01-22T03:11:00.000-05:00

... and I’m sweating like Satan.

Originally written in October 10th, 2009

It’s peculiar, yet fascinating what I’ve come to throughout the years. People like me, doing absolutely nothing on a day like this, on a day that we long for the most. Friday nights.

I just saw the most incredible movie in awhile. American Beauty. Wow. I wanted to see it for a while now, but I never would’ve guessed it’d be so good. So much going on in 2 hours, I’ll need to see it over, and over, and over again, just to get one part of the whole movie.

That’s something not seen anymore in filmography. That’s the thing about the 90s. Things were kicking off. Everything. Film, technology, society, everything, just popping.

I never realized how different I was from the world until maybe after the middle of Freshman year of high school. I noticed 2 different universes:

There’s the people who focused on football and sports, girls and hooters, beer and underage sex, and America and Polo shirts. Self-centered, low esteemed queefs who cant even spell ‘intellectual’ without hinting a guess at what it means.

Then there’s the people who focused on video games and music, relationships and the color black, and Invader Zim and Hot Topic. Questionable and lost souls, who cant seem to find what they are looking for but to see the world cry in tears of blood.

Where do I stand? Where did I stand?

I tried the ‘preppy/jock’ universe for a while. Not only did I not look and act the part, but my family were too boring and low to afford something above one American Eagle shirt.

I tried the ‘emo/goth’ universe about Sophomore year. What a change… to them. The only Asian they knew who hanged tight with them. Interestingly, the ‘emo/goth’ world included the under-appreciated geek. And the random.

Though I can’t call everyone in this clique I found ‘friends’, they didn’t drive me to the floor for hating football. Christ…

Just tomorrow, I’ll hopefully be hanging with a ‘random’ I haven’t seen in months. Since I was rezoned to a new school, new and old things change rather quickly, but in the most wonderful ways.

Lucky me. She calls me a ‘best friend’. At least, I hope she does. I’ve never been called a ‘best friend’ by anyone in my childhood, let alone Anthony Avila in 2^nd grade. I was his only friend.

As far as I see, I’ve become everything I thought I couldn’t be when I was in middle school. Middle school was hell. Cliché enough. But in those rough 4 years of schooling, I couldn’t be anything I am today. A friend, a child so alive, a flirt, a smartass, a liberator, or even a politician.

I’ve changed drastically. And I only figured it out. It’s taking my breath away. It’s just too overwhelming, what I’ve become. I’m so happy with my life now. I’m proud to write that here. ‘I’m happy’.

I also don’t see how lucky I am until I see the rest of the world stop spinning as I myself spin. I only know about 2 people who are as lucky as me. Everyone I know has some of the roughest lives I’ve ever seen. Family issues, relationships, schooling, money, society, even living itself.

Sure, I may not have the best life in comparison to some more than lucky people. But these ‘lucky’ people are seduced by drugs, money, and power they THINK is acquirable like pudding in your hands. But that pudding is dirt. They just don’t see it.

I got 2 adults in the house who could get into arguments on many occasions, but we would still have a Kodak moment maybe once in a week. 2 adults in the house who try to pay the Man as much as they can, yet we can be fortunate on all levels to get most of what we want. Even most of what we yearn for on a Christmas morning.

They don’t smile anymore. They love me. They just don’t know how to show it. I don’t know how to see it, either.

I’m a walking milestone when compared to everyone else. But they’d (the people I see today) laugh anyway and just be ignorant to admit it I’m right. And most girls I would even care a dime about ignore it, and don’t see the happiness and fortune they see before them. Only the fewest people and women have the right mindset to see it.

That’s how it was/is since my first day of school in Puerto Rico.

I don’t mean to gloat my life. It’s impossible. But when you put me on a double-balanced beam, with one side as me, the other side as the world…

- Ant

Dear children,

2012-01-22T03:04:00.000-05:00

Originally written on a sentimental July 27th, 2010:

Dear children,

The moment you first walk as a toddler, you must know, you will know, that this world you now walk on is, and will seem to forever be, a cruel world. A trap. The generation you are now a part of is a sensation of anguish, greed, and a dysfunction of loyalty. By the time you see it, you’ll see there is no trust, no honor, among any one of us. We have aged appallingly through the end of the 20^th Century and already through my time this moment on the 21^st Century.

We tell you it’s illegal to have contact with the enemy, racism, drugs, etc... but would we know who is the enemy? If not inside of us? What makes me better than a Negro with the same ego and fashion as I? A misconception of different categories of drugs and experiments can cause issues in authority? ... but in the end, it seems more than okay for them to follow an “arrest/kill first, ask later” policy. We have our rights as Americans and humans, but those rights are often overpowered by violence and deception. It has come to a staggering point where it truly feels like every person must feed for themselves. But this is where you, children, this is where you shine the light.

I have hopes that most of you (some of you will follow your own path) will grow to understand what I’m trying to express through words on this page. Just because they justify that “When someone starts smoking marijuana, he/she’d start with tobacco”, it doesn’t mean you need to follow that policy. It is your choice, for Christ’s sake. And why follow anyway, when selling tobacco is more than legal in our states. Since when did we ever care about our health? What do we care about the connections between the two? Almost all of us would do the drug because of the psychedelic effects on the mind. Tobacco is just a life-cutter. MaryJane is a high. Where’s the connection? What makes marijuana a threat to us? Has it killed anyone over history? Is it illegal to have our own President of the United States of American run our nation, when he himself has his own history with the plant? Where’s the jurisdiction over the jurisdiction?

Didn’t a wise man state that “mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an to mankind”? Didn’t the words and works of JFK teach us enough? Did war bring any more “freedom” to America than we already had? You call this freedom? With all due respect for the US Army, Marines, and all others fighting for us... what are we fighting? “for us”? Who’s “us”? We are far apart from each other to be an “us” anymore. For a long time.

As told, in the end of this life, there is no one to trust. For that mention, even I can’t be trusted, not even for my own sake.

Everything you see today is a load of lies, and the sooner you discover and study this, the more stronger and wiser you will be in the future. The stronger and wiser you shall all be, so that when the time comes where man can no longer survive himself, at least you are still the walking chess piece.

You can be a piece of this resistance, a resistance from choking authority, a resistance for freedom, true freedom. A freedom where a community can live together peacefully and gleefully through the power of music, feeling, soul, “I am you, you are me”, and the scent of a burning piece of cannabis. I tell you again, the freedom of which I tell you all is a freedom far stronger and more beautiful than the freedom of which I see in America, and abroad.

Though this dream is clouded far too much almost every day and week, I dream we shall see the green, grassy fields again, of what was once a Woodstock Festival, but in our own spirits and virtue. A green field where we can hold hands and not worry about threats from anyone or anything but God toying with a thunderstorm. A green field where we can dance to the feelings of music flowing through our flesh,

I am still the student in this world, but you can be leaders.

- Anthony J. Garcia, 17

Going Through The Motions 'Til 3 (#12-16)

2012-01-22T03:01:00.000-05:00

Link to the past here: http://mexicasian50.blogspot.com/2010/12/14-make-it-stop-15alot-of-people-ask-me.html

12) Riding my bike... I usually don't know where I'm going, but I enjoy the ride. All I really need is you, the music.

13) I can't concentrate on continuing this number status thing I'm doing because Taylor Swift is singing on Ellen, make it STOP!

14) MAKE IT STOP!

15)Alot of people ask me (as in, no one) why I ride my bike so much for no random reason. I honestly don't ever know these things, I like it that way... but I can tell you that riding down and back Washington Rd. with the setting sun, the far green trees in Richmond County, the train whistling across, and all I'm doing is holding on to one end of the handle... it's something else. So that explains it: something else.

16) My dad is still reluctant to buy me the LEGALIZE IT wristband. Does he not know how stupid it would look on me for my Senior Project presentation? On legalizing marijuana? Com'on, daddy!

- Ant

ANT'S INDEPENDENT REVOLUTION 2011

2012-01-22T02:49:00.001-05:00

An unpublished post on New Year's Eve 2010, I honestly do not know why this wasn't posted:

Right now, it is 3:17 in the afternoon. In about eight and a half hours, it'll be January the first, of 2011. A year that's absolutely critical to me right now. Not only will I graduate, but I have to go out with a college by the Fall. And in that time, I'll need to find a job, get into my permit/license more than ever, and finish high school with the biggest bang I've ever cared about... and then there's my other life, and a big part of that life falls on two words I'm caring about for this summer, as any:

E3 2011.

VIDEO GAMES
E3 2011 is, without any of my doubt, going to be the biggest E3 since 2009, especially for my cradle, Playstation. There is an overwhelming amount of releases and announcements from them this year, from a list of games I'll probably list right now:

- Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
- Resistance 3
- inFAMOUS 2
- Twisted Metal
- Agent
- Dead Space 2
- Batman: Arkham City
... and some other big ones that I can't remember at the moment. And the motherload of them all, the announcement of the PSP Phone. It's gonna be announced eventually, there just isn't any silence on it. And from all the leaks leaked, it's looking to be the PSP alot of us have been waiting for, especially myself. It's going to be a good year for Playstation...

But it doesn't stop with Playstation. Nintendo have more to discuss about the 3DS, as well as a successor to the Wii (there's gonna be one); Microsoft will hopefully have more Kinect releases, and more on Gears of War 3, Mass Effect 3, and whatever Bungie is planning on now... there just isn't a better time for video games, and there isn't a better time to be a gamer, than 2011.

And pre-E3 is looking good, as well. The PS3 "port" of Mass Effect 2 in January, Killzone 3 will be coming in February, L.A Noire will be available in the Spring (I think)... I'll say it again: there just isn't a better time for the video game industry than 2011, and the expectations are staggering.

But I wish my life was just on video games. They aren't.

PRE-2011
I didn't blog this Christmas, so I'll make a small note of it: Christmas day was absolutely quiet.

Christmas Eve was very interesting. My mother got a dinner invitation from her friend/co-worker/whoever, and we spent our Christmas Eve with her friend's family. However, we were late for the grand dinner, so when we arrived, we had to eat by ourselves in the room while guests were leaving, which was kinda awkward, but the kids around me kept it entertaining. After dinner, my father takes out my ancient Mouse Trap board game, and without my consent, declares that I gave it to them. There goes $10 I could have made, but they all had a good time, and my childhood was rushing towards me as I helped set up the contraption.

Senior Project. I hate mentioning it, I hate discussing it with anyone, I hate working on it, I hate everything about it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. But I have to do it, and I'm close to finishing it. I finally came up with a product, and it's coming along well... I just don't want to do it, though. And like I said before, the Senior Project isn't necessarily a difficult project (from my perspective, though)... it's just a matter of my attention-span and care. It is really low right now.

But putting aside the Senior Project, there's

... yeah, now I know why it wasn't published. But two years later, my Senior Project was a roaring success; graduation was absolutely amazing; inFAMOUS 2 was my GOTY for 2011; Uncharted 3 was, and continues to be, a big disappointment; the "Playstation Phone" was a Playschool toy compared to last year's announcement of the NGP, later called the Playstation Vita, which is a portable bitch; and I haven't legitimately touched this blog in a long time...

- Ant

Ant's Game of the Year 2011

2012-01-22T02:45:00.000-05:00

Before I give out what game made my personal pick for Game of the Year, I’ll tell you what it is & isn’t. First, it’s a PS3 game; as much as I respect these systems, I have no interest (or money) for a 360, nor does the Wii have enough software support, aside Skyward Sword, to tide me over, etc. I'm a Playstation devotee, not a fanboy. Second, of the PS3 backlog, it isn’t Uncharted 3, which hurts to say. It isn’t Batman: Akrham City, nor L.A. Noire, nor Battlefield 3, nor Minecraft, nor that RPG that’s becoming an annoying meme to the knee, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Hell, it deserves a shout-out, but it isn’t Duke Nukem Forever.

So why isn’t it these games? Why isn’t it these successful titles (minus the King) that both sold well and got hell’ota great reception?

Well, for one, U3 was a shocking disappointment; I haven't but want to try Arkham City when all the DLC is shelled out; aside the impressive facial animations, L.A. Noire didn’t do anything else impressive that equaled the scale or motivations found in other Rockstar titles; Battlefield 3 is a pretty FPS, but another FPS nonetheless; Minecraft looks humdum, and dangerously addicting and time-consuming, but I may give it a shot; I used to play RPGs and fantasy fiction, but then I took life to the knee.

And as for Call of Duty: MW3… funny. It’s not. It’s not Infinity Ward & Activision, no way, it’s not any of these big-time developers that are getting praise and hype from every corner every day, they’re not my GOTY.

GOTY, to me, doesn’t depend on sales figures, or reputation, or developer, or any other extra that merit the award. It could, but it doesn’t. Because if it did, then there wouldn’t be chances & risks. Why bother making this game, when this franchise, or this developer studio, will automatically get more recognition just for those kinds of reputations mentioned (Homefront, Brink, etc.)? For example, why should we develop this game, this Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune game, when there’s already a Gears market, etc? Or Killzone 2 when there's a COD market, Halo 3, and Resistance 2? Or why take on this idea of the origins of a superhero, who has the choice to do good or evil?

This question came up as the possiblities of owning a Playstation 3 drew near, to Black Friday 2009. I still remember that Black Friday: I had the choice of the GameStop bundle, a 120GB PS3, the God of War collection, and the LittleBigPlanet I desperately wanted to try; or the Wal*Mart bundle: a120GB PS3, inFAMOUS, Batman: Arkham Asylum, and The Dark Knight Blu-Ray movie for the family who have acquired an HDTV and a BluRay player that same day. With those options, the Wal*Mart bundle was our obvious pick.

So Christmas Day, we open the PS3, and there’s these sandbox games, Batman: Arkham Asylum & inFAMOUS. I played abit of inFAMOUS at a GameStop kiosk awhile back. It looked cool, but it didn’t interest me… mostly because I didn’t have the damn console. But now I do, and now I have a free copy. I remember the kiosk demo had a very attractive graphic novel-like cutscene that matched the cityscape of Empire City. Spoiled for choice, I started playing inFAMOUS over my lower interest in Batman.

I was surprisingly hooked.

I stayed up long nights, even the New Year, to see what was gonna happen next in Cole’s shoes, explore the open Empire City, listen to Dead Drops, watched those beautiful graphic novel-esque cutscenes, listen to the back-and-forth banter between Cole & Zeke, Cole & Moya, and find myself surprised by the final revelations. It was, without a doubt, an awesome introduction to my first Playstation 3 console.

Will there be a sequel, I asked. Then the Gameinformer leak came months later in 2010, revealing a new Cole, New Marais, new powers, new everything. The hype machine was on. The E3 reveal couldn’t come any sooner… and when the reveal came, my mind was rocked, did it look damn good. While Cole’s new look drew attention to Nathan Drake, it didn’t bother me the slightest. His hairy, bruised, and loosened look reminded me that this was something new… and he has ice powers!

Only one official clip of gameplay footage was released by Sucker Punch, and I would watch that clip over, and over, and over, just to be enarmored by this new and attractive location, the improved graphics, the awesome soundtrack in the background, or the cyclone power. Then there was a report that… well, people didn’t like Cole’s new look. Looking like Nate Drake has a drawback, I suppose. But SuckerPunch responded immediately, releasing a shot of a newer new Cole. The clothing is back to yellow/black, and no more hair. Ironically, this bothered me for abit, but the fact SuckerPunch payed attention to the outcry days after the E3 reveal showed how much they’re putting to their baby.

Tidbit after tidbit, gameplay after gameplay, HERO EDITION, ONLY $99, then the reveal of a cutscene… aw com’on, it’s only autumn! inFAMOUS 2 continued to entice.

FINALLY, I bled in hype 'til the FedEx man came to my door with my Hero Edition, that June, damp, launch day. I thought I would stop bleeding, but I loved this so much… I had to make a video unboxing. My first video unboxing, took about an hour to make, I couldn’t take anymore, I got it over with, put it aside, put in the disc, and… INSTALL?!? BUT a half-hour later, I began, and YES, I can carry over my original 100%ed inFAMOUS save… the first cutscene, oh boy. Then flash, I’m in-game, Zeke & Cole are looking over the city I made him protect. And the Beast is already here? Oh, COME at me, bro!

What a beautiful game to look at. The crowd behind the gate cheering my name, “Look, it’s Cole!” “Go get’em, Cole!” Yes, I will… and now I’m flying, my gosh, this guy is huge, and tough… and I’m dead. My powers are gone, and now I understand why I’m going to New Marais, why I’m improving my powers... because that Beast...

New Marais is a beautiful place to look at; there is style in every corner. Someone playing a saxophone near the park, another making a street act, someone playing a drum with a bucket, the architecture, the neon, the construction around the church, the scenery, is all beautiful to see and hear. Cole, himself, is a beautiful character, along with the wonderfully-acted supporting cast. Zeke isn’t a useless bum like before, both in story and in-game. The in-game cutscenes have drastically improved over the static animations in the original, showing mo-cap'ed characters with more life and attention; from seeing the rise of hero Kuo in the cemetery, to seeing a fully-animated Beast in the distance of the bay, to Cole apologizing to Zeke after him saving his life, not to mention the graphic novel cutscenes in-between returning in their gorgeous but fewer glory, the game is a marvel in presentation from every direction.

Of course, the fuel to this design is the gameplay, with the inclusion of new powers and a new Amp. Since melee wasn’t really… well, encouraged in combat in inFAMOUS, the Amp was an interesting inclusion. Without a doubt, though, its inclusion makes for an insanely good time. Whacking my Golden Amp onto enemies (and innocent bystanders) not only makes for stylish combat animations, but continued use on a group of people can unleash a finishing blow that's even more awesome to use. Basically, the Amp was something I didn’t know I wanted for this sequel.

Powers did not feel too much nor too little. Having to regain my “old” powers was slightly tedious, but I didn’t feel underpowered or overpowered, and all were useful in defeating enemies. Whether it'd be tossing cars with Kinetic Pulse, launching myself like a kamikaze with Firebird Strike, or launching the ice storm with Ionic Freeze, the powers were useful in combat, but also alota fun. Being able to charge by rails was unfortunate, but it added challenge into how cautious I'd sometimes have to be with my energy; in largescale shootouts, I'd be difficult to run (or hover) over to some source of power without getting killed.

With great power comes greater responsibility, and with all this power, accessing it would've been a challenge with menu changes and patterns, but Sucker Punch made a smart decision with allowing quick swaps using the d-pad, and still keeping you in-game and away from what would've been an annoying use of the menu. Along with the inclusion of the new Ionic Powers, the Amp combos, Sucker Punch weren't afraid of dipping their toe in the water, instead keeping & slightly improving what already worked (upgrading powers, Blast Shards, Dead Drops, graphic cutscenes, etc.), and adding little extras with success.

HEY, the Beast went down to Georgia! I’m nearing the end, I’m getting close to firing up the RFI, and… holy crap, it’s John! John? John! This guy, John, he got... oh... oh... of course he’s the Beast, how could I not see this?!? My jaw dropped when he appeared in his scarred body, devil-red eyes, and pimp-red suit... wait, this is where the evil Karma kicks in... I can make Conduits, I can create an army of Conduits with my power. I can join him, destroy the... nah, I’ll kill him off instead.

However, what I did not see was the ending. Not how it was gonna end, me beating the Beast and also saving mankind of the plague… no, this will involve a sacrifice. Me. I have to sacrifice myself. I won’t see Zeke, whom is sick but is now a likable character, I won’t see Nix, who somehow chose my side against evil… this is how it ends, with my death. Here it goes… I was not prepared for this… and that powerful final objective… “Let go”… the emotion going through that, letting go of L2/R2, and that’s it. This is goodbye, goodbye to Cole, goodbye to everything. And the final cutscene couldn’t be any better. A perfect conclusion to an otherwise upsetting and emotional end. And the chorus for The Black Heart Procession’s “Fade Away”... Wow, what an ending, what a perfect ending.

But WAIT... what happens if I chose ignorance? What happens if I chose to end the humanity in humanity, and take over? I got resistance from Kuo when I chose goodness… but now I have Zeke & Nix threatening me. “This doesn’t change anything.” Does this mean he hasn’t forgotten about Zeke & Trish? What does this mean? Doesn’t matter, I’m gonna get some sh** outta this one. It ends at the church, of all places… and there’s Zeke, holding the RFI… does this mean what I think it means? In order to progress with my evil intentions, it means killing my best friend? No! I have no option to move, only aim, only shoot. I can recover from whatever shots Zeke fires… but I won’t fire at Zeke. I couldn’t. One blast after another, Zeke being tortured to the ground but still getting up. This is how it ends, with me killing my best friend. And now I have the power of the Beast. “We said goodbye to our old lives, and got to work…” No, this isn’t how it ends. This is how it begins.

Emotional can best describe the conclusion(s) of inFAMOUS 2. This has been an adventure from start to finish, what video games strive to accomplish: suck you in, and not let you go. And here, I am Cole MacGrath. I watch over these streets from the tops of these colorful rooftops. I’ll be heroic & stupid, and take on the insanely huge and annoying Brawler, and probably get killed doing so. I’ll be selfish & arrogant, and lead a mutant charge against the humanity I once saved in the original inFAMOUS, and probably get killed doing so. But that’s okay. Because I am Cole MacGrath, and I have superpowers that can change or destroy the world. This is why I play video games. I am who I play.

I’m not the creative mind to thoroughly test out the UGC feature, but it’s a neat extra that continues to evolve into that "play, create, share" lingo, recently adding the ability to make 2D cutscenes. The end of the year, and inFAMOUS 2 continues to give and give. Even recently with the new stand-alone DLC, Festival of Blood, which I’ve yet to try out.

If things were different, if I bought that Gamestop bundle on Black Friday in 2009 instead, if I wasn’t nitpicky about the extra DLC Rocksteady is still shelling out, I’d buy Batman: Akrham City and probably declare it GOTY for what more it could offer over i2. Because honestly, inFAMOUS 2 & Arkham City are very close in design, characters, gameplay, development, and everything else in-between; they're both superheroes, after all. For all I care, I can say both these games are GOTY, but until I see a complete DLCed Arkham City (which probably won’t be ‘til next year) and have it somehow raise my interest in Batman, that superhero won’t hold a candle to what Cole and inFAMOUS 2 delivered this year.

Because this isn’t a mere sequel or game, this was an adventure that didn’t disappoint a single moment throughout. It was a game that kept on giving, from reveal to launch, and then some. It has earned my respect and fan service from start to finish, and in return, it lavished me with a heartfelt story, great characters, beautiful presentation, excellent (and risky) gameplay, and an experience no game could've matched this year. Whether its the $60 retail or $100 special edition, if this isn’t a PS3 GOTY, it’s a PS3 jewel that stands tall in any collection, above all this year had to offer. This is a true sequel, a true gaming experience... and this:Is inFAMOUS 2, my Game of the Year.

- Ant

10:15pm, May 2nd, 2011

2012-01-22T02:28:00.001-05:00

Originally written on May 2nd at the time of Bin Laden's death, this was intended to be a post about reactions for that one evening, but due to time constraints to conclude this post, I decided to wait and instead follow-up on news and reactions for the rest of the week. As always, waiting on these things is never a good idea...

I don't feel like posting another status about it on Facebook. It's gotten old very quickly by almost everyone on my Friends List. Power of the Internet for ya.

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, in my room, as my mother was watching a crime show on CBS, and the special report tune I'm familiar with quickly rushes to my head. I know that tune. Something big just happened, I immediately fly to the stairs and glare at the TV set.

"CBS SPECIAL REPORT - President Barrack Obama..." come on, what is it. Has he been killed? Has someone in the Cabinet has been killed? Why do I think about death?... "statement in White House"... 1030PM EST..." alright, this is something big. Wait a few minutes, I walk back to my room. It's been some 20 minutes now, what's going-

"Hunt for Bin Laden...", says my father downstairs as, I assume, he reads the TV statement. Oh, Jesus...

Jesus...

Some minutes later, the CBS Special Report interrupts the station again. I rush back downstairs, I see Russ Mitchell about to talk in a low-lite CBS headquarters. He looks aged, tired... "CBS SPECIAL REPORT" "OSAMA BIN LADEN DEAD". Oh, Jesus... 10 years... oh, Jesus... my mind rushes like crazy. Like a blitz. What does this mean? Is he really dead? What is going to happen? What will happen? Will they show a confirmation image? Will the country be in a patriotic uproar? Is he haunting our countries now? What does this mean? Where's the speech? What will he say? What's gonna happen to al-Qaeda? What does this all mean for us? Who will interrupt class about it tomorrow? What does this all mean?...

All the news broadcast is showing is footage of Bin Laden from years past. That sonofabitch. Is dead. My parents prepare for bed, leaving me alone with this laptop, a light in my room, and the TV and sound system on. Russ Mitchell repeating his news statement over and over, "That Osama Bin Laden, the leader of the terrorist group, al-Qaeda, is dead... body in U.S. custody..." The TV goes back to the crime show, and it remains like that for the next few minutes 'til our local news at 11pm. It seems so quiet and normal from the TV set, but I can feel the rush of it all. There's a panic in the news stations. Like a bunch of Walter Cronkites pulling together after the assassination of JFK. This was big, even if some of us do not know it yet.

I stayed upstairs, and looked at repetitive status updates, what other friends were making of this all... and the local news is on, and it's pretty obvious the news anchor was not prepared for this. She stuttered, lost track of her words, trying to tell the people of local Augusta about the situation... if there was a situation; the bitch is dead... the cleanup from the tornado outbreak, the weather forecast, news about NASA, sports... did nothing happen? It seems like nothing happened, yet in my mind, a bomb exploded. Only eventually did the anchor bring up again on the President's planned speech, when the show was ending.

I suddenly hear Obama from the TV set downstairs... the damn station here must've cut him off with a damn commercial break before realizing what they had done. Hate the station here... I look into his eyes. A hollow, light-skinned man, under a low-light White House room... his speech... making sure that he touched the hearts of his citizens... even though he didn't write it, probably... I could feel the loneliness someone may feel in times like this. I finally know what it's like. He finished his speech, and I could see some triumph as he walked away and had his back to the camera, leaving. He should feel triumphant. Anyone in his situation should feel proud. What followed was political journalists and reporters, drowsy and ragged, discussing the speech and situation... and I turned off the TV and went back upstairs.

Bin Laden was dead. But I felt more fear than I did freedom. I did not feel safe, I felt haunted. Like Bin Laden's ghost was lurking in our house. This wasn't the end. This won't be the end. al-Qaeda will want vengeance. This is for sure.

Guess not, but Anonymous pack a punch...
- Ant

FILM REVIEW: In Time (2011)

2012-01-22T01:21:00.003-05:00

'In Time' (2011)

20^th CENTURY FOX
DIRECTED BY: Andrew Niccol

STARRING: Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy

What can be tricky about sci-fi movies is that they can have great ideas, but the execution can greatly influence (at least, to me) those ideas and their worth to the viewer. Time literally is money here, and the question In Time' asks is whether you'd choose to be mortal with time, or immortal with *time*. In Time does with alot of excellent ideas that are not only detailed and relevant, but relatable; too many allusions to Occupy and rich (vs) poor, that as a whole, would make for an excellent Oscar contender for its effective blend of science fiction & modernism.

However, there's this thing called Hollywood, that can add famous actors, unnecessary action, plot holes, and drama who-hah, that can take away from the brilliance in In Time's ideas. That's not to say this is a bad movie; again, ideas, and it's a damn good movie. It's just unfortunate that it doesn't take itself seriously to be something more. Because, AGAIN, this has brilliant ideas, with wonderful details and tid-bits, even alluding back to a vault password using Darwin's birthday and "Survival Of The Fittest".

In my opinion, I wish it took itself more seriously, but what can you do... well, really, that's kinda where you'd have to even the field. You have a great science fiction idea, but how far can you stretch it through 109 minutes? Well, sprinkle in some car chases, gangs fighting for time, Olivia Wilde, Leonard from 'The Big Bang Theory', a creepy lookin' sheriff, suits, allusions to Occupy...

I can't argue with the material; the screenwriters took it as far as they could with the audience, but overall, I wanted more. I wanted more seriousness to its brilliant ideas; but in the end, there's not much to complain about. It's a runaway drama that did alot of good things, and at least it had me thinking after the credits. If you want a smart sci-fi movie that isn't Rise of the Planet of the Apes, this is definitely worth your time.

☆☆☆
- Ant

FILM REVIEW: The Help (2011)

2012-01-22T01:19:00.002-05:00

'The Help' (2011)
TOUCHSTONE/DREAMWORKS
DIRECTED BY: Tate Taylor
STARRING: Emma Stone, Viola Davis, Bryce Dallas Howard

If there's any way to write a review for this film, it would be like me trying to review American Beauty.

Because like American Beauty, it is difficult to describe in-detail what made it such a great film, otherwise you'd be repeating yourself over and over. But also, any critic who've seen it would have their own ideas of what it meant to them. For me, it was the perfect cast, perfect editing, perfect and surprising pacing, perfect balance of humor and intensity... but then this other idea would be brought up that also worked for the film, or this idea, etc. A topic or film such as this can be elaborated and touched upon like crazy, but trust me... the only way to understand is to see for yourself. Regardless, this is the first movie I've seen all year worthy of Best Picture.

See. This. Film.

☆☆☆☆

- Ant

FILM REVIEW: Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

2012-01-22T01:15:00.005-05:00

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' (2011)

20^th CENTURY FOX
DIRECTED BY: Rupert Wyatt

STARRING: James Franco, Andy Serkis

Holy crap, that was damn good! All the TV accolades beforehand had me at skepticism, but the reviews did not lie. More than anything, it had that wonderful subtlety and charm that movies like WALL-E create, that immerse and engage the viewer from start to finish, even through the few but wild action scenes. Despite his expertly-paced and silently-explained origin, I actually cared about Caesar rocking San Fran!

Another great element is the nature of which prequels are supposed to do, like with X-Men: First Class: explain everything important, and let the viewer do the rest.

Caesar is the star of the show; Franco and the “humans” give passable performances, though their emotional significance is both not-as-focused, and simply unparalleled compared to Caesar’s. The story is like a prequel should, an origin story, of the... Rise of Caesar, from an Einstein infant to a would-be warrior and leader of a gorilla army, all spectacularly paced for a surprising 90 minutes.

Caesar only says four words throughout the entire movie, yet those are only props to his exposition. The spectacular (specTACULAR, James Cameron!) CGI here takes “advantage” over the simple fact that apes aren’t human. Yet by the climax, we grow so attached to Caesar that we remember theirs is a difference between our kind. Caesar speaks to us through his human-like expressionism. Making him unspeakable only adds to the humanity and sympathy we grow for him, despite those little four words (and trust me, that first word you’ll here will REALLY getcha).

What detracts from this phenomenal movie experience, understandably, is the human side of the story. Again, Franco, Felton, and his cast give passable performances, but passable only. It all comes to a magic cure that cures Alzheimer’s, which takes years to develop; meanwhile, we are given a montage of Caesar’s own development. The magic cure by then is too good, that it has opposite effects for both apes and humans… However, by the middle of the movie, we’ll have guessed what happens next. And we’ll know who the ambitious one is, who the bad guys are, etc, etc, and their screentime is very limited to really pay attention to their worth.

However, it’s obvious this isn’t a story about humans. It’s a story about Caesar, and his expertly-told and paced story from an baby, to a playful child, to a confused and scared young adult, to… you get it. This is a good thing, though. The human story was a nice extra, but it wasn’t as necessary as it would seem. Because, again, it’s all about Caesar.

PLEASE keep in mind, however. I’m giving this a very good review, but that can come from the fact that I’m an Apes-newby. Unlike X-Men: First Class, I don’t know the source material so well (novels, or Carpenter movies) to catch the allusions or possible holes. But until I do, this film stands as one of those surprises, a very excellent prequel. Do I wish Any Serkis’ CGI performance was Oscar-able? Absolutely, hope it is. How ‘bout the amazing soundtrack and great editing? Yes. Will there be sequels to this? Perhaps. But as it stands, it’s an action movie with a balance of relentless Ape action, and a relentless touch of humanity. That’s enough for me, and I hope that’s enough for Apes fans.

☆☆☆☆
- Ant

FILM REVIEW: Super 8 (2011)

2012-01-22T01:07:00.004-05:00

'Super 8' (2011)
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
DIRECTED BY: J.J. Abrams
STARRING: Joel Courtney, Elle Fanning

For what it could've been worth as a revival of your 80s kid sci-fi movie, Super 8 turned out to be a rushed and confusing slapstick comedy lost in space. Though it had its moments, the entire experience felt almost out of place, with unattractive characters disappearing & reappearing, situations with no actual meaning, explanations that weren't given their time or patience, a well-made but overused soundtrack...

☆☆☆
- Ant

FILM REVIEW: Toy Story 3 (2010 unfinished review)

2012-01-03T02:17:00.005-05:00

At the time of its release in the summer of 2010, I attempted to write a review for 'Toy Story 3', my highly-anticipated animated film, ever. Time after time, this review was constantly edited but never completed. I don't have much time or patience to thoroughly complete it, and since this was at the peak of my writing habit, and since we're already into 2012 as it is, I think it's best to finally release it, unfinished and unorganized, but better than never at all. Notice the "...", indicating a blank statement that'd bridge the points above & below it:

‘Toy Story 3’ (2010)

PIXAR/DISNEY
DIRECTED BY: Lee Unkrich

STARRING: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen

PIXAR’s darkest, Toy Story’s finest

It has stretched to over 11 years. 11 years, the longest I ever had to wait for anything. And with good reason. Toy Story & Toy Story 2 were the most magical (animated) movies I’ve ever seen growing up; Wall-E is definitely up there, but not only are they years apart, but Toy Story has a completely different ‘existence’ compared to Wall-E, even though they’re all made by the mind-blowing film genius that is PIXAR Studios.

I’ve been following the development history for Toy Story 3 since as far as it has gone, from changing plots to dropping Disney. I was growing impatient. And now that it has been released this year, for something like this, I was very nervous as to whether I would be pleased with the final product, or whether my expectations over the years would be satisfied.

My call was answered with a beautiful yes, as predicted, but there is a lot to say, and though this is a review of PIXAR’s movie, what it really comes down to, overall, is PIXAR itself. Simply said: Just like our old companion Andy has grown up over the films, PIXAR has really grown up over its lifetime.

If you’ve seen the films over the years (which you must have in some lifetime), you’d notice that though there is a clear moral message in most, the way they are expressed have evolved through every film. Wall-E is a very clear example; though it was a love story through-and-through, it touched on a very critical issue in our generation of commercialism and consumerism, and just how far we’ve come/we’re coming to the death of our planet and ourselves. It’s these sorts of messages expressed in PIXAR’s films that makes it completely unparalleled to any other CGI film studio in the history of CGI. Up came after, and it too touched on a critical issue: death and loss. While we got the fun from Mr. Fredrickson and Russell’s adventure through South America, it beautifully touches on the emotions of letting go, and comprehending what has to be done to make things right inside. These examples make one part of PIXAR’s uniqueness above any other studio. PIXAR has that awesome ability to seamlessly balance what is comical and moral, and what is serious and real. No other animation studio can do it as incredibly as PIXAR. Not Dreamworks, not Sony Pictures Animation, or even Sylvain Chomet (well, maybe). Which is why there is an understandable amount of hype with everyone of their films, as well as universal acclaim and profits.

So here we are, we got Toy Story 3, the sequel to the clutch to PIXAR’s success, the sequel we’ve waited over a decade for, and it’s finally here, at the peak of PIXAR’s brilliance in movie material. Do they transfer these strong messages and mature concepts to the last film of an innocent trilogy?

Again, yes, but Toy Story 3 is also by far, the darkest and most intense CGI film I’ve ever seen, and possibly in PIXAR’s history.

Without attempting to spoil anything (which is frankly difficult here), Andy, the imaginative boy who brought life to his plastic toys and set the course for the films, is in his late-teens and is off to college. His room is littered with car posters, trophies, video games, papers, applications, crap... yeah, he’s definitely a maturing young adult.

The movie begins with a live set-piece of Andy’s imagination at work as a young kid. Woody, Buzz, Mr. Potato Head, almost every toy we’ve come to know by now, are at a wild, dialogue-driven Western bonanza, with space aliens and flying pigs… until Andy’s mom shows up with her camcorder. What follows is a montage that shows how much of Andy we remember and love, and how much things have changed minutes later.

…

These toys are going to die! They’re accepting their fate together, they’re holding their hands in unison as they await their doom in the fiery pit of hell! There were kids around me! I mean, I was blown away when PIXAR decided to add blood for the first time in Up last year. But to put, not blood, but fucking imminent death and doom?!?! In TOY STORY?!?!

…

Putting aside all these statements that make the whole (and end) of Toy Story 3... there is still so much gold to say for this movie. Even if this wasn’t a PIXAR film, or you don’t have much interest in animated films or Toy Story, there is still so much to applaud here, anyway.

The scenes between Andy and his moments with his toys are nothing short of emotional... the main plot was obviously damn intense... the comical scenes were spot-on for both the younger and jumpier audience, and the mature and accustomed audience... no predictable moments... no seconds of lulls wasted... and I can’t continue without hinting the business in CGI candy. The fantastic pacing of Toy Story 3 makes it hard to focus on the beautiful and vibrant scenery and characters, the excellent soundwork and rich musical score, the details-upon-details-upon-details... it’s a breathtaking view when you’ve seen the movie enough to ignore the plot for a bit, or even after just finishing the first two hours ago. The leaps in animation technology over the years have really shown; Wall-E is no exception, Toy Story 3 is even more attractive than the wonders of space. I saw this in usual theater fashion; seeing it in 3D would probably be too much to take it, and I have a lazy-eye, so I doubt I’d get much, anyway... but it’s simply unbelievable to imagine how far CGI has come...

There were quick skits added during the credit reel. Granted, I don’t usually like these kinda skits in animated films; however funny they are, they just feel a bit cheesy and tacky to me, even if they were necessary (this movie needed some light humor after all the sh*t that went down). But that’s just me. This isn’t even a minor negative. It’s just an opinion. The only negative to this movie is you not seeing this. Toy Story 3 is exactly what I’ve been waiting for all these years: not just another PIXAR classic, but a proper conclusion to a story so wonderful, so endearing, so unforgettable, so beautiful to look at, and so true and magical to the masses, that you just don’t want it to end. But it must. Woody, Buzz, the toys, and Andy have made their mark spot-on forever after, and with the Toy Story trilogy now complete, its endearment will never pass from our hearts.

... until the trilogy arrives on DVD and BluRay. Then the adventures can be relived over and over again. Awesome.

RATING: It’s obvious by now I don’t need to rate this. Okay, fine: ☆☆☆☆

- Ant

2011 (Graduation)

2011-05-21T15:43:00.000-04:00

Past 7am now. We're driving in the parking lot. The sun is hazily shining through the low and thick clouds, and the Civic Center stands tall on this day. I see Brittany Dressel leaving her car. She waved at me, do I know her? Anyway, I step out, gown and cap at-the-ready, and walk towards the entrance to the Civic Center.

I see people, and I see Jacob. The last person I preferably wanted to see in the morning. A director of some sort, maybe security, tells me and the rest to follow those going down the ramp to my right. We enter, and security, made up of just Mr. Reeve, stops to secure phones and stuff. "It's just a camera, Mr. Reeve... (just let me in, already...) Anyway, we're in... and it is ghastly cold! Jacob and I continue in. He apologized for the issue with the camping trip. I was okay with it, that was all I needed... but I really just wanted to know why he was mad at me in the first place. Eh, it doesn't matter. This is our time, like everyone was saying.

The crowd continued. Faces I knew, continued to come into this immense open place, under all the seats and bleachers upstairs in the stadium. And this camera... gah, I hate this camera. This was gonna be the last time I'll ever see most of these people, and I got a crappy camera to make of it all. And parents are coming in through here? Really? Hmm... maybe my parents can do the same, and find a better spot for themselves. Mrs. Young, who somehow got me through her Chemistry class; Mr. Meitin, who has such a Jerry Sienfeld-charisma; Mrs. Andrews, who saved my life with college; and so many others. By the end of much talk and hanging, we had an hour to go and I had nothing to do.

Eventually, we're called up by the signs from yesterday's practice graduation. Just like yesterday; no Veronica Garcia-whoever infront, so leave an empty seat. Ciera and Brian to my left, and small talk, sweet talk. Camera talk, too. God, I hate this camera... alright, it's about to begin.

The teachers and faculty lead the way, and now it's as if the graduates are all alone with no leader. Let's not screw this up. One after the other, orderly as yesterday, a pair at a time... then my row follows the procession. We make it to the small hallway between the room we were in, and the stadium. Slowly, we go. Slowly, I follow the procession out of the two curtains, Kieran Edmonds to my right. "You got this?", I ask. We stop, wait for those two to cross that blue tape, and then we go, and...

Oh, Jesus.

There are bodies, and eyes, eyes everywhere, just, just looking at us. Oh my God, this is really happening. I see a blue floor, I see teachers in black gowns, folding seats with the white coverings over the seats, and I hear whistles and name shouts, and the piano lady, playing that same tune I heard in last year's graduation... only I'm not a spectato-

Alright, no, focus... 4th row. Follow her. Left. Save spot for Veronica. Smile. Walk. Don't look around, eyes straight. Saved.

Oh, shit, all the people. All the people...

Keep your cool. Breath. Oh my God, my legs are shaking. Breath! Keep your neck straight, don't stretch! Oh, man, this procession goes on forever... ew, God, Mrs. Collins, right to my left... gah, this tassel is fucking with me. Stay straight! Turn it abit towards the edge. Alright, that work... alright, make sure the cap is straight... I just heard my name being called from my mother... behind me? I told them of spots right across from my row... probably the cheap bastards who reserved spots and refuse any leeway like a pack of ravening dogs.

One pair after the other, after the other, after the other... alright, it's over... now to stay standing, and take off our caps for the Pledge of Allegiance. I haven't done the Pledge in months. Why am I doing it now? Maybe because of a freedom to graduate. Maybe... hmm, not everybody took their caps off? Am I doing something wrong?

JROTC Color Guard. The entire stadium is silent. Not a sound, maybe a whisper. Do these guys graduate today, like us?

The Columbia County BOE looks real happy to be here. Especially District 3, oh, looked like he was having a ball being here.

Emily Bordon... HA! She freezes in the middle of her speech twice. I find it funny. It's like seeing a spoiled blonde who probably got honors cheaply screw up her introduction... oh, wait!

Mr. Barney...

"Yeah... Mr. Barney. He does AP, and regular World History. Oh, he's one of the best. And I mean, I never had him before. But I talk to him like he is one of my teachers, he's such a welcoming guy. It's one of those people, where you never had the person for a teacher, yet they can be such a good friend like that... that's special, dad, that's, he deserved to speak... and yeah, on holidays, he does wear a kilt."

Yeah, he really is getting old. He has seen alot, I guess. Maybe that explains why he's probably such a good teacher. Because he knows what he's talking about. Man, I'm gonna miss that guy. Good speech.

And a song... and a guitar... and the same ol' two-stringed tune, whatever... meh. I mean, the song's good, but... meh, traditions like that...

Alright, now it's onto Salutatorian and Valedictorian peopl-

WOW, man! You mentioned "caffine in the morning"... this morning, man? Shit. He looked like when I presented my practice presentation for my Senior Project. Not really a great feeling. And all I heard was the same thing from his speech, over and over. Gah, these traditions are really getting redundant...

Alright, Josh. Had you for British Lit. with Mrs. Collins. You're a Christian guy. Hardcore... eh, it was a nice speech. Caught on with it nicely. Liked it, man.

It's time.

Anxiety. Blood pressure, rising. Row #1... it's starting... Row #2... clap, man, these are your friends... Row #3... clap some more... thumbs up, good luck, Brian... Mrs. Hancock counting... 3, 2, 1... Row #4 rises, I'm standing. I turn my body to my right. There's a long line, a very long line. But it was going on so fast... Mrs. Simons... we're getting closer... she's conveniently right to my left... "Won't have to deal with me again, Mrs. Simons." "You're right... An-thony, is gone."... Oh, my God, we're close.

The stairs. They're black, metallic, clanking... a long piece of duct tape to stop us again... a small mat to allign our feet for the photographer to our right. One at a time... aligned, straight. Camera. -click-

'1812 Overture, Finale'. Remember, in your head, remember. It slowly comes. Clap for Haley. The strong trumpets, as I take heavy steps on these stairs... the violins, the trumpets... I'm itching closer. Closer...

I'm on the stage. Stop. Wait... wait...

"Anthony Joseph-Agnew...

I take the walk. The walk of 12 years, the handshakes of 12 years, the superintendent of 12 years, the diploma case of one lifetime, the Board of Education of Columbia County, 5 years. "Thank you" and "Thank you very much", over and over, handshake, handshake. And now the final picture. Hold it right, hold it proud... the trumpets, the bombardments, the climax... and, scene.

And now for all the rest... There were not so many celebrations and wooh-wahs' for many of the people I know deserve it. But interestingly, not for many of the others and prep stereotypes.

Lindsay. Gah, I love her.

"TOGO!" Love that guy...

And Nolan. He's been in my path since my first day at Evans Middle. He's got Honors, of course. Hope he does well.

And Jamie... Oh my God, the sonovabitch is graduating. Glad for that guy, actually. People will surprise you.

And Elijah. And Edmond. And Taylor Todd. I've seen him change these 5 years I've known him... Now Drew. And Alexis... Sports Spectrum memory. Oh, man... and now the last graduate.

The crowd is estatic. Debani just stands there and lets the crowd suck us all up... the tassel. It's time.

Right hand.

Tassel, to my left.

12 years.

... oh, fine... the Alma Mater... that almost everybody mumbled and blah... and now, caps are everywhere. I think I flinged mine. It went somewhere around Row #1 to the right. I hope I get it back.

The world exploded around me. It was a Rapture, alright...

- Ant

May 2nd, 2011

2011-05-02T14:22:00.000-04:00

- We're having a sub today for Java Programming. She's limited our work significantly so that it's nothing bug utter silence for the day. If the class can't program our LEGO bots, or listen to music/play games...

Then what in the hell are we suppose to do?!?...

40 minute left in school, what am I suppose to do in this class when I can't do anything right now? Blog, maybe? I'm not in the spirit completely (though, I could finish my entry on Bin Laden from last night...)... seriously, no talk, no music, no programming, nothing... eh, crap...

- Things to do tonight:
   1) Update to Firefox 4. (Used it in the Media Center for 4th just some minutes ago; it is fantastic)
   2) Finish blog entry on Bin Laden.
   3) Come up with idea for thisibelieve.org essay.
   4) Recycle poem papers in binder (the speech went out perfect, thank God)
   5) Study for Economics test (no point in it, though. If I fail, I know it won't be my fault. I can say so many things about Mr. Bailie... but above anything, he should not teach. He can't teach. Oh, he can teach us how to be creepy, disturbing, perverted kissasses... but he can't teach Economics for shit. I'm more than likely gonna get a below-average score on my EOCT, with all the studying I may do these days... and for all I know, I may be held back by his pissoff class and not graduate or go to college on-time... I just hope he loses his job someday. That sonovabitch can't teach, above anything in life...

God, I have so much time on my hands right now... I think I'll go to see if I can bring my Lit book to my locker...

- Ant

Ramble, ramble, nom-nom-nom

2011-04-25T20:05:00.000-04:00

Nothing will fall to place, and be under your control. Not for you, nor for anybody ever in this life. Even if it's perfect, it won't last, despite fate and chance. Life is a business cycle. There will be spikes, depressions, and moments were you don't know what to do... you don't know what to do, you feel hopeless, what can you do?

If you feel down about something, nobody will help you up, despite almost everyone helping you up. There's only one person in the world that can help you. One person, one being, one entity, one creature, and it's not a worth of a God.

It's you.

You want something, fight for it. Hold on to what is yours, because somebody may want it. You want results, be a result. You want to be a name and not just any number, it's not going to happen. Your dreams and imagination and beauty won't save you enough for reality. Reality is, times are tough. People are crazy. The world wants something to mooch over. The least you can do, but the most you can do, is make sure every second isn't your dullest. Emotion and feeling. Compassion and freedom. Those are the words you're looking for. You may live and die and maybe go to heaven, and there won't ever be a point to making each day like it was your last, but that means you don't deserve to go to heaven in the first place.

One life, is all you have. Will you slouch there and play your video games and continuously try to get what you can't, because you're unwilling to change? You are the reason for your world. You were given a brain, a possibility at brilliance, an advantage to change everything... or not... but you are here. Welcome to reality. It's not beautiful, but that's where you come in.Be careful, ride hard, ride strong, don't stop, but just love it all. To love and be loved, is to be a name.

- Ant

My 18th birthday

2011-04-24T01:40:00.000-04:00

18 years. Yet it feels like a lifetime.

I could say it started on the first part of the week, instead of my actual birthday on Friday. I was selected for the inFAMOUS 2 beta, or how much I'm enjoying working on this play as crew, or how this would probably be a long week of anticipation for my birthday. Either way, the rest of this week was something to write about.

For starters, to my surprise, I recieved a code to the inFAMOUS 2 beta. The beta keys were sent about a week ago, I thought it would be the end, but it's as if... the last ticket, for me... I was left jumping. Oh, the joy, oh, the rush! Yeah, sure, that same night Mary Scheirer was tempting everyone with her letter from SCAD, people were talking about advances in their lives, being accepted to colleges... for a moment, I lost care. All that mattered was that I was selected by a generous game company to test the exclusive online beta for the fantastic and upcoming inFAMOUS 2. But that was for a moment...

Left and right, my friends from schools abroad were being accepted to colleges? And I'm just sitting where I am. For the past few weeks, I have been going over my college info, and so much was missing before an acceptance could be made. I've been almost pestering ASU admission about my missing documents, because those documents were sent. I did send my information, my SAT scores, my Verification of Lawful Presence, my Immunization Form, I did everything! How was I not being accepted?!? This is Augusta State University. This shouldn't have to be so difficult! I felt sorry for pestering, but there had to be some problem. This week, after another email telling me they looked but still couldn't find any of those forms, I confronted my dad again, and he actually insisted on searching his make-shift office to show me he sent it.

He never did. Over a month and a half, and I was about ready to explode at ASU, when my dad realized he never sent that envelope. I should've expected this, but when I asked him again this week whether he actually sent all the information... he searches around, an interruption, and shows me the envelope, with the ASU address printed on the familiar household envelope as I look over my college stats on this laptop... and tells me it was buried under bills. This rush, I was ready to break his neck, in so many ways... in fact, the thought still lurches in me as I type this... again, I should have expected this from him, I trusted him with this... what in God's name... I exploded at him like I've never exploded at anyone before in my life. I wanted to mutilate him. For putting me through this, for putting my future at risk, under a desk of his life: bills. A life that irritates the living hell out of me. Even if it was for a month or so, I lost my patience, energy, with this meaningless problem. That moment broke it.

The next day, as I could check my merged email via Microsoft Outlook on our school computers, I emailed both admission recruiters, who've stuck with me since my application process, a subtle apology and explanation. My dad would personally send-in the forms to the college that day. That same night, I received a reply from one of the admission recruiters, the one who usually comes to our school and sets a "college recruitment booth", understood, and introduced me by his casual name, Ryan, and insisted we should hang out as he implied my acceptance to ASU. The next morning, a Thursday, I look at my myASU, and indeed, I've been accepted to Augusta State University. Again, ASU isn't a college for me to jump over... at least, maybe not yet; don't even want to jump about college... but it's a start, somewhere. My parents bring in good news for the day, don't remember what, though, but I toss in my good news, and... yeah. ASU.

What also began this week, or maybe weeks before, was working with crew for our class presentation of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Again, I don't know a damn about the play, I have no interest in it, I had no interest, period... until I took note that Sonia McCall was in as set designer. A slight interest, yes, but then realizing how nobody was taking pictures of this play? Oh, no, somebody has to... so I enlisted. For the most part, I was the clumsy one who didn't know what and where, so I basically sat around and waited for the girls to give me orders. Take it like a man... but take it from Sonia? I think I'd oblige. The main cake was work on this huge canvas that would be the backdrop for the play. She painted a print representation of the canvas, and gridded it onto this canvas. She is an artist, but she is a handy man. I don't know whether this is good or awkward, didn't matter, got to get this thing done.

Only eventually, did I really get active and social with them all. Within a few days, would I notice an infinite amount of comfort working with these women, than I ever did with our othersome women in our drama department, in two years. There's always something to talk about, something that would be entertaining, never a dull moment, it is fun. I feel good working here. Crew, I don't know yet, it's tedious, but at least here. Sonia herself is, straight-up, an absolute goddess to look at, anyway, but she has such personality and ego, with her art but with herself... alright, I am getting ahead of myself, as usual, but... I am happy here. I never feel awkward, or forced, there isn't tension. I love it. Everyday is a day to look forward to working with her and her team. I like her. She's gorgeous, she's got character, she's fun... and I'm only just getting to know her. I'm gonna feel bad when this is over, because it'll be a day spent not working with her, and chatting about God knows what with her, and back to just glances and hellos' in the hall... but I'm only just getting to know her.

Anyway, something else that would've made my 18th more significant was a wanting to restart. With Playstation. I may have posted about this earlier, or not (I don't want rediscuss this, it's too much for one thing) but basically, PSN's terrible network system did come to haunt my non-existent Master Account, and my Sub-Account was now useless... anyway, I wanted to start anew. See, I'll officially be 18, I can give actual legit account information like I wanted to years ago (which gave way to my Sub-Account and eventual dilemma), had a new email, plans for a new username (notice Blogger header), I was getting tired of using other's accounts, I wanted back in. Upload my reclaimed and new Trophies, my PSN friends, Uncharted 2 multiplayer, finally jump the gun on COD Black Ops multiplayer, my inFAMOUS 2 beta (thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Sucker Punch), Netflix... I wanted back in! Studied for Economics, listened to the Rolling Stones...12:04am! Turn on my system, rush to the User, click the icon, click 'Create A New Account', load!... 'An error has occured.'

This eventual PSN shutdown would last for the next five days.

Next morning, the birth day, wake up, good morning, "Anthony! Happy birthday! Get down, breakfast! See you." Bye, guys. Kitchen, Hot Pocket. Make it to school, sit down, study over my Economics again, Sean and Tyler appear, put my book up, talk, whip out my Spider-Man LEGO figure (for my RoboLab for Mrs. McKean's Java class, of course), and we high school students find entertainment out of a LEGO figure. Oh, I'm 18, alright.

For some reason, the only thing I can talk about during the birthday week is my birthday; when the actual birthday comes along, I hardly mention it. It's my 18th birthday, first thing I do is sit down and study from my Economics book. The day goes on, nothing to write home about, but wishful thinking from friends to wish me a good birthday. That's enough for me. Good friends, honest friends, a good time, that's enough for me. It was after our A-lunch Friday where my day began...

The first practice performance of our play, for a small critiquing audience. Again, I'm in crew, so my priority was to work on our canvas and whatever else my boss would request. Sam. He opens the door, indicates me to follow him, and tells me my new boss, our play set coordinator (we have a set-coordinator, now?), to follow set protocall while the play is in motion. Okay, this is new, but whatever, after 12:55am, I have to quit and go to my classes.

4 hours.

Rebecca gives me absolutely no orders. I'm backstage for the rest of the school day, and missed the rest of my classes, with the impression that I'm more than likely skipping class and possibly threaten my exam excemptions. No position to get Mrs. Simons over to tell her what just happened, since a play was in-performance. The play finally ends, it's 2:45pm, alright, I should at least get Mrs. Simons to email my teachers, and catch my bus alright. The play finally ends, it's 2:45pm, the directors of our play lock their doors and exclude access like SS generals, everyone is ordered to sit down and wait, I missed my bus, my dad's phone is off, what the fuck just happened...

After another hour of useless, non-stop lecturing about our play and performing, we're free to leave. The play is surprisingly still a go. Mrs. Simons, can you email my teachers, tell them I had to stick around for the rest of the performance? Why, what are you doing here, etc, etc? Well, how 'bout Sam unexpectedly pulling me over and somehow making me a part of this crew of the play? Were you given a prior-approval? You never gave me one; this just happened today. Anthony, I can't do that, etc, etc, teachers will think you're skipping, etc, either you're in trouble for skipping classes, or I'm in trouble for letting a student stay without any prior approval, etc. Sam isn't your teacher, who's your teacher? Mrs. Simons, Sam is your responsibility, you can't just pin this on me, I was just following orders...

My blood heats. My face boils. I exit the school silent, in a rage. I leave a message on my dad's phone, telling him that I wasted hours after school for the play after all, the buses are gone, and I'm just walking home. Happy birthday.

The long walk home, but at least I actually had lunch and a lighter load. This cut it. All that's ever happened with me and this damn drama department was my full devotion to the two years I've spent in this department, and no credit for anything. Mrs. Simons has given me bullshit, this was where the straw was finally broken. I'm staying for Sonia now. After this play, failure or not, I am done. The last three weeks I'll spend in this school, I won't have any involvement with any of the shit I'm gonna have to do. I've been told before how she milks students to do her work, I never noticed or cared, now I do. I am glad this is my last year here, maybe just for this reason. I now understand why I've lost my touch with theatre. I thought it was me, I felt blank and loose about theatre, I loved it but didn't know why I wasn't so into it as before, but it wasn't me, all along. This class, this school subject, a dream, a love, and this teacher dwindles it down with no care in the world. I am, I'm done.

Thank God for Allen Harris, though, to cheer me up for the rest of the walk, as him and his fellow comrades play ultimate frisbee in the field I pass by walking. I'm in my neighborhood. I check my mail... the official letter from ASU indicating my acceptance. A smile. I'm home now. David said in an email today at school that he sent a package, and should arrive today. Anticipation, is there a package infront of the door? I bet there is. There is. My anguish, my wonderful day is interrupted by this usher of ignorance hours ago, but I'm home. My cat, greeting me? Does he know it's my birthday? A wonderful cat rubbing his head on my leg, an acceptance letter from Augusta State, Killzone 3 still wrapped and waiting, and now A Cartoon History of the Modern World collection from David, which I've taken a literary interest in before. I'm sweaty and exhausted to play my new video game, so I decide to unwind and hunker down for a little while downstairs. I continue on towards Platinum on God of War III, but the parents arrive home in a few hours (conveniently when I reach Poseidon's Chamber, with his nude princess taking center-stage, of course. Haha). The usual ice-cream cake with the same cherry red Happy Birthday Anthony! ontop, and dinner... from Captain D's? Um, alrighty, then. We put on our rented copy of The King's Speech, and eat our dinner as we view.

Life can be good like this.

Killzone 3 itself seems like what the reviews have been saying so far. The story and dialogue seems weak and predictable (though that may be because I spoiled most of it via those reviews), but the action and pacing is fun and ecentric. I was really looking foward to a new PSN account, but this shutdown came at a more inconvenient time.

Saturday was also part of the birthday plan, really since my parents were busy on my birthday Firday. The plan? Dinner at Hooters, with the camera, and movies at GTC Masters, the dollar theater, for The Adjustment Bureau. Until then, work was made on our stove and fridge, for some odd reason, and TV informmercials aren't all full of crap, at least, not from something like Kaboom! cleaner. Billy Mays never lies. It did wonders for my bathtub months ago, it did wonders for the atrocious mess behind the stove. Back and forth, back and forth, make up your mind, do you want a sponge or a rag? Bucket of water? Screwdriver or what? After the work, I watched and learned as my dad fixed one of the car's headlights, and taught me about cars. Jon's season finale of 'Arby 'n' the Chief ' was uploaded, and it's definitely his finest work. The thing about longevity and improvement. He's got it.

Eventually, we reach the time for dinner... and for some unexplainable reason, I questioned my decision about Hooters for dinner? Was it because of an interest in more diverse food? Or Sonia? Or the drinkers and horny rednecks that make the atmosphere of Hooters? Or how somewhat awkward my first trip last year was? Last moment, it's Hooters; it's closest to the movies, anyway, and we had but a mere hour before our film began. Unlike last year, business was quiet. Hardly any wild people or even Hooter Girls. Our waitress wasn't the eccentric Amanda from last year. My dad tossed out that it was my birthday today (though it was yesterday), and our waitress simply gave a mere "Oh, happy birthday." I can respect that, but... this is Hooters! I thought there would be a Hooters Hokey-Pokey like last year! And we finally had our camera! I left very :(

The Adjustment Bureau was a passable movie... and it sure beat Inception to me. I honestly didn't like much about that movie, really. Maybe the special effects, I dunno... the movie ends, and I leave the theater, I hold the door for a few folks leaving the theater, then headed out, and suddenly (a different) Sean appears, and I can be sure Ashyr, Ashyre, would be right behind. I glance at her, she catches, says "Hey" very subtly, I replay "Hi." very subtly, they enter the theater, I continue heading out. For a brief moment, as I stood and waited outside in the humid night air, I suddenly soaked something in.

Ashyr, the coolest person I got to know Sophomore year, someone I cared so very much about, and was more than glad was my good friend, and in two, three years...

Nothing. No emotion. It was just lost. I haven't seen her, talked to her for years... and my vivid imagination, of seeing a very old, lost friend appear in the same movie theater as I, and Ashyr becomes one of those friends... nothing. Two, three years... how far... I didn't hesitate to stop and hug, or catch up for abit, I didn't feel a thing. Nothing. Now granted, Sean was obviously near, so any thought of anything of the sort would mean nothing with her pussy of a boyfriend around... but I still felt like there was ever anything. And even now, I still don't feel anything, despite writing about this right now. Just nothing.

It's almost like a message from the movie. Planned or unplanned, life can do these things. I'm constantly questioning about "spending each day like it was my last". I almost never have that feeling of fulfilliment... yet, I realized this week that I see everyday. There is never a dull moment with my every day.

18 years, one week, and it already feels like I've experienced enough for one lifetime.

- Ant

April 11th, 2011- Turn Up! The Radio!

2011-04-11T16:42:00.000-04:00

If you read my latest (and hopefully last, for awhile) status on Facebook, you should know that I'm diverting to status rehab... and towards something more freeing and less limited. About every day of every week, this blog, in need of some words and paragraphs, will be spoiled with talks and thoughts... and those inclined or vaguely interested are more than welcome to view.

Somehow, I cannot stop expressing how I feel on Facebook, and, I've been having people threatening to block me on Facebook... and Lord knows I do not want that to happen, now...

Before the Spring Break was out, I returned to wearing my wrist things and dogtag, strapping a fresh and minty new box of Altoids, and putting the Lennon shades again. It's been so long, and I really don't know why I have ignored them for so long. Maybe too busy? Too upset, or too happy? Too open, or too closed? Or a sense that I don't need them so much as before... whatever it is, it was a temporary absense of old habits, and they're back and more refreshing than ever... especially when I prepared for what would be an annoyance of a return.

I watched 'Hot Tub Time Machine' far too much this week, so much that I've been looping Autographs' "Turn Up The Radio", and it gave me this sense of return. A feeling that I was back. I was finally back, I was so happy, I still am happy... I feel it right now, the rush, the adrenaline (probably from the song, though), the freedom... freedom of speech, of thought, of expression... I was free, again.

As if there was a sequel; the feeling that the main character was back, but with something new. Higher conscience? Learning each week and time? Freedom to let nature do its voodoo? Bob Dylan. This guy... he sounded like a freaky old guy when I first heard him... and now that my appreciation for him not only shot through the ceiling, but have him battle the forces of today. The truth in his music, written as far as the 60s... like Fahrenheit 451, it's so set in stone, it's damning yet beautiful. It's good to have his music with me. But even with this sensation of return or resurrection... it would not prepare me for my dealing with a class that imprisons.

Today, as if the pressures of returning to our "business" in Business Ed were going to bust me, I was more than happily surprised that Mrs. Scott would sub. So, of course, the business went on a day-vacation. I would've enjoyed it, but an uncertainty for a paper had me look it over on my computer, and have it instead come up as a corrupt file. I really have to change flashdrives. This is seriously the third time I had issues with a paper I did not know a date due for. A class period that could've been spent resting or hanging, I spent redoing this damn paper.

Returning to Drama II, seeing people that I find welcoming, or annoying, or reverse-annoyance... nothing new... but it stressed me that for a play we're endearing to complete, we only reviewed what we already knew. But at least I'm finally in the play crew, by painting a throne seat. Bell rings, get up, get out, sundaes and float games for Seniors? Out behind the school. But first to Business Ed, as how I didn't pick up the print of that damn paper. It would take me to a conversation with Mrs. Scott. Mrs. Scott is such a nice lady. Before the sundaes, I talked with her about life choices... she enjoys her life. She herself went to ASU, bu never finished, or figured what she would've majored/minored in... but she enjoys her job and life.

I think that's all that matters.

5th period bell rings, and I walk towards what was going to be a firestorm of people beating at me for not dressing up for the damn Senior week dress-up thing. 'Dodgeball'. We have an unpresedented number of choices, but we choose 'Dodgeball'. Ignore the "we". A movie I haven't seen, have no interest in seeing, nothing exciting as other classes today... and no proper clothing for. And by proper, it means purple or yellow. I'll be the only person not dressed up for it, we'll lose points towards a Senior competition we're not gonna win, anyway, since we were missing maybe two or three people today, but it still falls down to me and my clothing choice.

Stephen stops me with glee and lends me an extra pair of his gym shorts. Just so I could look like I slightly attempted. Nice guy. Alright, gym clothes on, but nothing to say that I'm purple or yellow. Sharpie out, notebook paper against the bathroom stall wall, "I'M ASIAN. I AM YELLOW..." I told Mrs. Collins I would provide blank charisma for her class. There. Get in the room, go outside to clean up the sundae area, and she complains like I predicted...Go back in, take a picture, and I optimistically hold my sign infront of her camera, picture taken, I doubt it was in it, I don't care, Zach is a crybaby... Christ...

Mrs. Collins, you can kick me out of the room, you can stab me in the throat or puncture my spine, you can have the entire class get at me and make sure my last year at Lakeside is nothing but hell... you can do anything... and it won't solve my pidly-ass interest in your sad and desperate life, or most of a vague and desolate 5th period. I'll do the work you provide, I'll make sure I pass your class... but I won't solve your interest in getting me interested. You want me involved in your Senior week? I could have any teacher in my schedule... Mr. Meitin, Mrs. McKean, Mrs. Simons... even Mrs. Hancock, at least I have a cool group of people I could feel comfortable working and spiriting it up with for the week... but your lack of optimism, or mannerism, or damning ability of control, or other adjectives and nouns I can't think up right now... will not get me interested in this week, or anything of the sort for the rest of the year. It's not Lakeside, I love it here. It's you.

ANYWAY, venting complete, bring up the admin to write me up for it... but aside this bugbite for the day, the rest of it went as predicted; surrounded by the narrow, the hypocrites, the pathetic, and the absolutely awesome... it's an obvious picture I can conjure in my head, and it plays out like music. Maybe not externally, but I could see it happen, anyway. The damned damn themselves, the strong feed off the weak and die for lack of substance... crap, crap crap... I feel like a narcisist... it's an obvious picture, that I try not to feed off of, I honestly don't, and I really take pity... but then again, I'm the happy one in the situation. And they're as old and mature-capable as I am or can be... they can solve their problems, and leave me to reading my Playstation Magazine.

I remember last year, Mr. Shouse caught me drafting on my blog, and Mr. Riddick conviniently checking out the classroom, and confiscating my entire blog on paper, threatened me that "this is just the beginning; there's more to come"... he called me up eventually in 3rd period that day, then... he just looked at, read those papers, and told me he'll get back to me.

He hasn't since. So... Mr. Riddick, if you're still reading my blog... good evening... this blog is back, it's getting more action than ever, and it'll hopefully get me back to sanity once again. Or am I already the sane one? Help wanted.

- Ant
-- Good grief, this is maybe over two pages...

A new post.

2011-04-06T22:24:00.000-04:00

Good evening, it is 10:14pm on April the 6th.

Right now, my mind is at a complete blank on what to write on this new post. I have not written on my blog for maybe two months, though it feels like years. I feel scripted, thin. I feel wired, into a system. I finished my Senior Project completely almost a month ago. My presentation, the final stage, was a major success, despite a rough practice presentation. I felt confident, memorized, excellent. But it was over. I come home from the evening, no homework, no troubles... yet the work put into it, and the work outside it, haunted me. It still haunts me.

That is how I'm feeling. I feel controlled and limited. My thoughts are slowly beginning to come out. I've been stressing and complaining via Facebook, it's been obvious for many, blank for others who don't view my profile (I don't blame ya), but despite the rants, or moments of fantastic adventure, or moments where nothing was holding me down... I feel chained. I wake up, and all I see is the work, the pressure, the future... I want it to stop...

It feels like it's trying to come back. But my wired conscience, and drowsiness, are keeping me from letting it go. But it's not just those; it's mostly myself. I have fears. Drunkenness. A lust for success and achievement. I told myself once that this is absolutely not the way to live. A life where there is nothing to lose, and that I should live free and young, and die free and old. This pressure from the world... I should stop. I must stop. Not for the sake of my future success and achievements, or failures... but for the sake of my future, period.

- Ant

February

2011-02-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

A break. A small moment, to remind me that it’s all good. And the Rolling Stones are helping.

When was the last time I’ve written? And by written, I obviously don’t mean school essays and scripts, because that’s all I’ve been writing these weeks and months.

For a little amount of time, I’m back, and though I’ve yet to return from surviving weeks of monumental work, I’m taking a break from Java Programming class right now, to write. Because Jesus H-fucking Christ, I need to write. I haven’t written in almost two months, and it seems that it’s one of the few things this time that can keep me from running on fumes.

This month has been beyond hectic. Even if I’m more than likely exaggerating, it still says a lot that I haven’t had any opportunity in the world to write on my blog. Two months. Two months, a gratuitous plethora of homework and responsibilities, a damning anxiety for the Senior Project (which has been hitting its mark more than ever this month.), and simply trying to keep up.

I feel like I’ve been gone for God knows how long, and only right now, am I slightly coming back home. I can feel it in my chest. In a few days, on the 23d of this February, my product. My portfolio. Basically EVERYTHING I’ve been working on most of these months… will be turned in, complete or not complete, I don’t care, it’ll probably be complete, I hope it is, but it will be done. The deed of my Senior year will be done, even if I have to present it in a few months, I don’t care one bit, it. Will. Be. Done.

Only then, will I think I’ll be more than freed, even if slightly. Yes, the Project will be mostly complete for me, but I still have Senior year to complete. And God has the sense of humor to give me Mr. Meitin… all… over again, for Algebra III.

I’ve braved winds and hell for 3 years, I survived Mrs. Johnson, and Mrs. Varner, for Spanish II and Spanish III. But it comes to this, the final boss battle, the last one that will ever be, that will test if I can or will complete this game, graduation. He has no emotion if we fail his class and can’t graduate, he’s said so himself. About 30 people, that I know in one class, will possibly be held back… by one hellish class. This one class, a test of wills. A test of how far I’ll be willing to sacrifice to make sure I pass his class…

Jesus, Ronnie Wood has a sick rift in this song…

Frankly, I have an 87 in his class right now, and it’s almost the end of the 3rd 9wks… but I know it won’t last. I have a test tomorrow, and I know 3/4 the material we’re gonna have. I remind myself how this isn’t Trigonometry anymore, it’s still Algebra III… but it’s still Mr. Meitin, so there’s no turning around. I don’t have a choice. He will not destroy me…

Mr. Baile still isn’t a comfortable teacher to be around with for Economics, but poking fun at his classroom dialect, especially when I’m bloody good at imitating him with Jordan (whom I share both Economics and Java). Even still, he’s a nice and fair teacher when things are in order, and passing his class isn’t as difficult as doing his wkbk pages and dealing with his weekly “assessments”, which we never know if it is either a test or quiz. Getting a B or A in his class shouldn’t have to be too difficult. Or maybe I’ve really turned into a bookworm these months.

Economics is a CP credit requirement, but it doesn’t need to teach me that reality is not fair. I’m not going to New York for college, I’m not going to SCAD for college, I’m not gonna live a life where high ambitions equals high life. High expectations are only dreams. Reality gives its lemons, and you just have to deal with them. I’ve done about everything I need to get ready for whatever college will bring, with HOPE and FASFA, and my possibilities are very high to get into... Augusta State. The last college I would consider- not because it’s a bad college, I doubt it is, college is college- because it isn’t SCAD or New York. But it’s as close to reality as I can get, and as many of my friends last year also concluded. I go to ASU, I get a Bachelors Degree in... Arts, maybe..., and probably have a heavy amount of money woes to not worry about because I’d have had HOPE to boot, and then some.

Bachelors Degree in... what, now? Theatre? Journalism? Game Design? Filmography? Game Design seems to be limited to SCAD, but it shouldn’t limit me from drawing like a ranty politician from hell. Whatever that means. I want to draw concept art for Naughty Dog, or Sucker Punch, or any game developers, because I know I would love it. Waking up on weekday mornings, go to work, and draw.

Or filmography? The Untitled SMiLE Project? Have you heard of it? No? Unless you’re on Facebook and you read my ecstatic posts about what’s up with the project? No? Good. The SMiLE Project is, obviously, from the brilliant Brian Wilson album, and revisiting the album, I’ve made a movie. In my imagination. Slightly on a Word document. But it’s something that’s got to get done. Putting all the pieces together, I feel like I have a grasp for filmography. This Senior Project is helping with the development process. And having a Sony Cybershot for Christmas, makes it more than welcome for amateur experimentation. If not the SMiLE Project, at least a name in YouTube or some major video-sharing network.

For the meantime, aside the “school” in high school, it’s nearing the end of my Senior year, yet I’ve already met new people all over again. And rediscovered. And concluded. Some people I just can’t deal with, or just don’t want any dealing with. I’m too busy to sit anywhere anymore on mornings nowadays because of work and studies, but when I can, I chat it up with some chaps I haven’t known too well, as well as a new guy from Ohio. I’ve changed where I sit during lunch now, because I get more entertainment and good memories outta chatting it up with Allen Harris, Claire Maile, and Kathy Quebedeaux. And I sit in the back of my bus. It doesn’t solve my bus driver’s deadly driving skills, but I’m many steps and stresses away from amateur children-be-middle-schoolers.

Sure, this seems like just a list of what I’m doing to change, and it sounds like I’m being scripted, but I’m finding more happiness and relaxation from these new maneuvers. I continue to learn what, and who, is real, and whatever won’t keep me bored ‘til the next bell rings. And when it’s not this, I’ll be alone, and alright with it. Because like I said before, this is about me more than anything right now. My mind and eyes are narrow and focused, and it’s the right call; my grades are steadily rising (kinda), and I have more time for myself after doing my homework on time nowadays. It’s a busy and steady life.

But it’s usually a life with the solitude of friends. Friends that have taken me places. Such as Level Up? A haven for people like me. Birthday party got me into having an all-nighter event with friends, video games, 32” 1080p TVs, and completing the single-player of COD Black Ops, and falling madly in love with Red Dead Redemption.

This period of writing eloquence isn’t lasting long. Mrs. McKean’s class, bless her heart, can have me write this the moment it comes up in her class, then finish it at home after completing my homework before 7pm. When was the last time I ever finished homework this early? If you’re a Facebook friend and have wanted to know what’s been up and why I’ve possibly been ignoring you, here’s your answer. My blog is slightly back for this evening. I’ll be back in the future. For now, and probably ‘til the end of May, my priorities are set: my Senior Project, my birthday, graduation, summer, ASU or not, and keeping my A’s and B’s where they should be. Even all A’s, like I keep telling myself every year. Mr. Meitin will more than likely make all A’s an impossibility, but if I can make it that far, to get an A in his class… I’ll have more than pride on graduation… I’ll have kicked his weak-teaching ass.

- Ant
-- I didn't proofread. Please don't judge me.

Going Through The Motions 'Til 3 (#1-10)

2010-12-24T13:40:00.007-05:00

000) I finished watching the Late Late Show w/ Craig, but I felt like staying up abit longer, rather than just going to bed right after. As I would, I got on Facebook, and saw hardly anybody online. A wonderful friend of mine, Samantha Weeks was online, and we chatted it up for a small time... before I felt like typing up a bunch of Facebook status updates. And for some reason, it felt right to number them. What would eventually happen is alot of freeing thoughts, alot of Likes, an uncalled-for arguemment, and a great overnight that saved me in a small way.

Since that night, I'm not stopping, and I'm hoping to get to 100, but I doubt it. Enjoy this post or not, here is my evening.

1) Today, I was watching Jerry Springer. Like any episode, it felt nice sitting from the sidelines and watching the show... but instead of wanting a gal to watch it with, I wanted... a baby. A baby that can put on my Lennon shades, and I drink my ginger ale, and I tell him, "I swear to God, you better not get fat like these people, because I can't help you." And he gets his bottle, and we click our glasses. Like men.

2) It'll be a week before New Years Eve, and you know what's on my mind, Facebook? My life couldn't absolutely be more pristine. Looking back now, being rezoned to Lakeside was probably the best thing to have ever happened to me. (Take that, Mac the Panther) The Rolling Stones, American Beauty, alot went down, and it took me where I wanted to go: self-awareness and complete great living. (Take that, Dr. Phil)

3) A quote I will hold on to for the rest of my life, for it has done alot to my future, and has taken me to an adventure (and heartbreak) of a time. Whatever I want, some thing will come along and maybe alter that want, or change everything, maybe forever. And that's a lesson in life some people will grasp, and some people that will... not:

Shit happens.

4) It's a quarter 'til 3am, and I wish Samantha Weeks would stop Liking my posts. I'm not a coolio guy, so stop, please.

5) When I have the time (and car, and license, and motivation, and energy), I want to go to the bowling alley and tell the shoeboy to go fuck himself and slide on the floors and get kicked out. But DAMNIT, would that be worth it! :D

6) I sometimes have that urge to ride my bike at this time, when it isn't so damn cold, and listen to some oldies music like I like to do. But of course, I got parents. And of COURSE, I myself got priorities that I unfortunately cannot ignore... I'm such a loser...

7) It's not even 3am yet. Seriously, you guys, 7 NOTIFICATIONS! Go to bed, already! I'm busy wasting my time!

8) I'm trying to take a picture of me and my cat infront of the monitor to point out how fat he is, and say "8) Holy crap, why are you so fat." But my crappy camera is a battery slut, and now I'm writing this status instead. See? Shit happens.

9) That wasn't even 3 minutes, and 9 Notifications now?!? It JUST became 3am!

10) I'm out of stuff to say. It's past 3am, so that explains it. Be kind to one another, sleep well, dream well, live well, love well, and Rockwell. I don't know what Rockwell is, it just sounds cool.

- Ant

P.S-

11) One more, because this came to my mind just now: ... v-necks. I have alot of white shirts, but I don't know if they can be considered v-necks... but I would feel more comfortable with my skinny-ass body if I had me some good ones. Cheers.

Jerry Springer is on, yet I blog it out...

2010-12-21T19:15:00.000-05:00

- Last night, the total winter solstice took place above our house. But it was too cold outside, I was warm inside my house, and people kept getting me into cop shoot-outs in Free Mode from Grand Theft Auto IV online. I missed a winter solstice over 300 years in the making, because I was too lazy and I was playing video games. This should, without a doubt, tell you alot about me.

- I want a girlfriend, but I fear I wouldn't be a good enough boyfriend. But I don't have any experience, so I can't judge that well-enough. But I feel in my heart I would be, if I found the right girlfriend. But then there's the struggle. Something where both parties can feel right with each other. Then there's me, where I can't trust myself with a long-term relationship if it is a good one that can last. If I know it doesn't last, then that's really why I don't do it. And that's really why I haven't been in one in ever. If there's nothing that can keep it going, then don't go in the first place... so it seems to me. Substance. If I can find that in her, I'm home. If she can find that in me, then I'm in heaven.

- Ooh, Jerry Springer is on. Ah, a show, reality or not, where I feel like a man, and not a guy. A guy too stupid or amateur to get on live television to solve my problems. But a man, who sees it from the sidelines, and knows where his life is at and is going. It feels good, ya know.

Ouch... well, she's not wearing a wig, at least.

- I need a webcam. My life would probably be infinitely more connected if I had one. Oh, well.

- Ant

2, 3, and 4 in the A.M.

2010-12-17T03:10:00.000-05:00

2:33am

Does anyone ever read this crap? I wonder.

I honestly don't know what to write. I mean, it's 2:33 in the school morning. I took my one exam (thank God for Senior privileges, or lack there of) already-

Oh look! Brian Whitfield is on AIM/Facebook right now! And he IMed me! And he tells me he honestly has absolutely no idea where my God of War is. The game he's been borrowing from me for almost 3 years, now. Little jerk... yeah, he's a college student, but he's still little to me. That's how far we go.

I never had lifelong friends. Dad being in the military, we've stayed in one spot after another for about 3-4 years each; 4 years in Puerto Rico, 3 years in Texas, and us here in Georgia the longest, at about 6 years. I think this one is for good. I hope. Jesus...

"dude! you and me should totallly go see tron together"

Sounds like a plan. I mean, I was about to write a meaningless blog entry, but God decided to let things go my way for abit and have an old friend IM me. Alright. Seeing as how we haven't hanged in years, my dad admires the guy (I think), and hey, fucking day off, why not?

This month has been interesting. That's really all I can say; I'm having a conversation, I'm listening to "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE" all over again... yeah, I can't really think right now.

15 minutes later...

Daft Punk, and suits to see Harry Potter.

Yeah, I hope tomorrow is a good day. If not... at least it was a day. Good morning.

- Ant

It's The Holidays

2010-12-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

If you’ve ever read this blog, you should know that I’m not religious. At all. Because like politics, I’ll still be wrong. I choose Christianity, I’m wrong. I choose Judaism, I’m wrong. I choose Islam, I’m wrong... but I still want to show my respect for calling Christmas “Christmas”. And I’m such a grammar perfectionist, that it doesn’t matter, anyway.

I’m getting older. I’m almost 18. I got a feeling this has to do with my more humble, not even humble, feelings for what I want for Christmas this year. I mean, last year was an exception, as being a natural gamer, all I wanted was a Playstation 3, and I’m set for life. And I got it. And I am set. So... now what?

Maybe LittleBigPlanet PSP, or Gran Turismo 5? A mic for my online involvement on the Playstation Network? Meh, Gran Turismo 5 would be nice. But it’s nothing of importance. I mean, these are just things. It’d be nice, but I’d still have to focus on other more important things.

This Christmas break has me working on my Senior Project, bulking up, getting a few things that I actually need... that’s just about it. Maybe I’m getting more lazy and boring than ever, or maybe I’m learning to live with myself? ...

I feel as we grow older, we better differentiate our needs and wants, to what is necessarily possible, and what is either possible or impossible:

NEEDS

- Eggnog.

- Apply to colleges.

- Update accounts online.

- A job.

- Either a better mattress, or move to the guestroom bed, where softness and dusty cockroaches await me.

- Finish this Senior Project.

- Bulk up.

- Better organization for my return second semester, and future events and life.

- This marijuana legalization support wristband from up in Canada.

- College money.

- A good camera (Sony Cybershot camera, preferred)

- Sleep, and someone to rest with on this bed with.

- Reach level 53 on Uncharted 2 multiplayer.

- Better clothes.

- Time to relax and write on my blog more efficiently.

WANTS

- Eggnog

- Sony Cybershot camera

- GT5

- Joe Danger from the PSN

- LBP for PSP

- The *new* Sony Ericcson Z1 PSP/phone hybrid thing that won’t lose rumor heat anytime soon.

- Sleep, and someone to rest on this bed with.

Some of the needs on the list are not really possible (yet), but that’s me, and that’s a different story. And as for the wants, it’s just material. Not the last one, I don’t necessarily want a material girl on my bed, but that’s also a different story, too. So... what do I want for Christmas this year, realistically and money-wise?

I can single a lot of the wants out, not because of realism or money, but attention of interest.

...

Meh... getting the wristband would be a big plus for me.

We better differentiate our needs and wants, from where you’re the infant who will take whatever your hands can get to,‘til you become my dad, where you just don’t want to spend any money at all and you loathe hearing a word having to do with the holidays except a bonus from government field he works at. A bonus he won’t get because of politics. Poor guy.

I honestly just don’t know, and more so don’t care. I’m satisfied with what I got. I feel that’s more important. Appreciate what I got. I got friends, family, wifi, eggnog, my wisdom teeth out, and most of all, I have my conscience to make myself a better person (good luck to me).

Ya know, for 17, I’ve really grown up, give or take.

- Ant

Wisdom from the teeth operation.

2010-12-04T20:25:00.001-05:00

"I swear, as soon as you left, the students (students!) went ape-serious on me. With an oxygen tank starring infront of me, I had sign papers saying I confirm I have/don't have a list of issues like asthma or HBP or any of that.

Then I got my blood drawn, which surprisingly didn't have me pass out. Then there was a mat over me. THEN they attached a needle that would relax me, for the sacrifice of feeling the most awful sensation on my crotch. Then another needle attachment for fluid. Then I saw got those small pulse tracking pad things on my chest and stomach, had my blood pressure taken every 5 minutes... I was scared ****less.

"My blood pressure kept going from 70 to 99. I was so freaking nervous, it's not even funny. They got the the sleeping drug on me, which didn't fully work. I was almost sleepy, I had my imagination and dreams flowing around me while they put maybe 5-10 shots of anesthetic in my mouth.

And I remember about 4 people at my face, heard a faint of words from them, and the thing that I remember is "Ow."-"Yeah, see. It's alright."- "... yeah... my balls hurt.", and the students laughed their butt off. And I could somewhat feel the pulling of the teeth, "Alright, it's out." And I remember drowsily saying "Got it?", and someone saying "Got one. Almost done here." and "Almost done" constantly as I kept drowsing away.

Eventually I woke up, not feeling a hint of pain, but my lip full of anesthetic. And it still is. And constatnly asking what time it was, even when I kept looking at the clock to my right. And my legs felt like they road around the neighborhood on the bike, like I usually do on a Friday afternoon. And I was still drowsy, up until we got home."

- Facebook message to my dad

What a difference one night can make. These stitches are annoying me, my back gum areas are in razor pain, the prescribed aspirin doesn't help, I can hardly talk, and this pudding is delicious.

- Ant

This... is me.

2010-12-01T20:47:00.001-05:00

- Ant

Ant's Complications

2010-11-28T17:04:00.000-05:00

Having a laptop on my... lap..., looping Aaron Neville's "Tell It Like It Is" through Grooveshark with my nude and wet self laying in the bathtub after a shower is, generally-speaking, pretty fucking dangerous. But I'm saving my appetite like a boss for this Thanksgiving dinner, which is making me weak and depressed, so frankly I don't care at the moment.

And anyway, our Thanksgivings are always chaos and yelling, constant yelling, so it's depressing still. That's not my unfed conscience typing; this has happened every Thanksgiving of every year for the majority of my life. But aside that depression I'm having because I haven't eaten anything in hours, I feel like shit. Again. I haven't done what I wanted to do this entire break because we're cleaning a house for a family that isn't even coming over for Thanksgiving in this house. I hardly worked out like I wanted to, I didn't ride my bike around Washington Rd. like I do, I didn't do any of my homework... see, here's me complaining: running down a list of things for me to be unhappy with. I can never run down a list of things I am happy about, not because it's impossible, but because... I'm such an optimist for that? Christ, I dunno.

I'll probably edit this once I had my ass full of turturkeykey (HIMYM-reference to you all), but I feel like running down a list of my own complications. This may just end up as a fraction of that list; I can't name them all, some I don't even know yet. I'm a guy. I have feelings. That isn't good... to alot of you. But for me, it's serious. Does that even make sense?

SELF-EXPECTATIONS
Here's what I want to be when I grow up, Mrs. Kirby. I want to get the fuck out of Georgia (or move to Savannah), live in a beautiful and big loft apartment in the middle of Manhattan, make a living as both a theatre actor (or film actor) on Broadway, and as a video game artist designer for big title video game industries, get married to the most wonderful gal I've met yet never met, and be a peace revolutionary on the side, with marijuana being legal in all states, and make a billion bucks to support myself, my gaming needs, the apartment needs, my life needs, my parent's needs, and a boat plane to fly myself to the most magical lakehouse in Ely, Minnesota whenever, so I can have hangouts with my hippie hipster friends with alot of oldies music. And when I fly back to my loft apartment, I arrive to see my friends share my apartment whenever, and look around, and think, "This is awesome".

It's that easy to list! So why the fuck can't I fucking do it?

America, and me.
[out of bathtub, and in towel in bedroom]

I blame America firstly, of course, but then I blame myself for having such high dreams. Look where I am? I don't have a job, I don't have my permit, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to iron clothes, I don't have a bank account, I don't even know this money terminology. Does 17 seem too young? Yes or no, it's still something I have to overcome! I honestly feel like the laziest person in my generation of my family line! My brother goes to Columbia in NYC, my sister goes to Yale, I play video games and eat Pocky with eggnog on holidays... that sensation of unaccomplishment. It's not that I feel like a failure, it just alludes me alot that I'm not the one being successful.

Surprisingly, I had a great conversation with said brother, whom it seems like I haven't spoken to in years, and for someone who stressed to me so much about religion, and staying focused for an incredible academic future and bright later life... tells me to relax and let things happen. He's my brother, so it may sound different to you, but this surprised me completely inside. My pious and academically epic brother, telling me to let things play out like nothing, or so it feels. As if a part of him clunked out [no Lupus pun intended], and has become... well, laid back. Not like me, but laid back in general? Am I doing the right things to get where I am? Obviously not, but things change with me. Me and my brother are flexible guys, it's in our blood.

I'm only grasping the fact that I'm not realistic. I have such high expectations and hopes for myself, so high, that I would want to show these people what I've become: a known success. My friend who works a sad life here or there, yeah, I want to show this person that I'm better than him somehow. That little itch from my expectations, to prove to someone that I'm living my life accordingly. But how can that happen when I haven't taken initiative? Will I ever?

Will I ever achieve my dreams? Is that even possible anymore? Can I break that barrier, and live the dream my Four Fathers promised me some 217 years ago? Am I thinking too hard on this?

Absolutely.

PESSIMISM OR OPTIMISM? HMM...
I got a bunch of mentally-insane friends. We all do. You may not even know it, but ya do. Yes, they're our friends, we have things in common, we share things, we love them and protect 'em... but they're fucking clinically insane. And it's annoying when they deny they are when I point it out. And I'm (un)lucky to have many of them. What's amazing is that they're good at hiding their insanity. I dunno, I find that amazing. But when I "see" their insanity (which I see quite naturally), I sometimes feel like one of the only humble persons I know. But then why am I so alone? Why do I feel so alone? And I'm not saying that as if I'm a smartass who knows everything and that, but... I honestly don't have much. I got a loving family, I got some things in life to look up to, I got some "normal" friends...

Maybe I'm just not grateful enough.

Most of my mental/mentally stupid friends make up about 80%, I'm guessing. I sometimes wish I could avoid some of these people, but it's hard because, you know, they're your friends. Some surprise me. You may think he/she is an optimistic Bob, but deep down inside, you realize the chaos and sadness they hold inside. And through that chaos, a cycle of life evolves. This insane person helping another insane person, shit happens... it's like a tragically stupid love story. And I sit on the sidelines, and watch it all. I'll feel upset that I'm not involved with anybody or anything like it, but I'd be happy that at least I feel comfortable with myself.

MY IMAGINATION WHOM YOU'VE NEVER MET
I can add "be a filmmaker or animator" to that list of what I want to do with myself. Drawing is a medium to my imagination, but it isn't enough because I'm not that skilled enough to near-accurately portray my ideas on paper. My brain... oh, crap. It may not be a gem like Einstein's or Hitler's (sure he was evil, but smart), but what it lakes in actual intelligence, it makes up for with... well, to you it's probably nothing impressive, but to me... light shooting through walls, LEGO bricks flying all over the place, explosions made of glass, women in lingerie made of rose pedals, there's no way I can actually tell you all, I can't even think right now! It never ends! Moods, music, conversations, anything can shoot up my mind. It can be something different, everytime.

And if you ever saw it in film, I think you'd see it Oscar-worthy. Or you may think it's crap that cost a lot of money. Hell, both. But I want people to see it. I'm aching for a visual mind-reading display machine thing that can visually show people what goes on in my mind, because I would be ecstatic. Not even ecstatic. I would have accomplished something with myself:

I'd be forever happy, to know that someone visually saw what I can imagine for the first time.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLAN
Right now, it is 3:59pm on the 28th of November. I think this is the day my grandfather died 2 years ago. Whenever somebody dies, anybody, from anywhere, dies... I ask myself why. Why are people dying alot these days? Why do people we know and care about die, at a young or old age? Are you trying to make me feel unhappy, God? Is this a game where I'm the toy, God? Why do these things that make me feel happy keep vanishing? My grandfather, who was proud to call me his grandson, dies from leukemia? A month after he made a full recovery? My best friend, Suhail, leaves to Texas. We can't have a good Thanksgiving. I miss the best deal on Black Friday. I work with the laziest people in my school radio team. The most beautiful and most perfect girl I've ever known, whom matches on everything for the first time anywhere, is too far away, literally and mentally. I want to go to SCAD because it's as perfect as this girl, but it costs too much money.

Everything that I want, I can't have. Is this a pattern for something? For something big? For something better or worse? Am I the problem or solution? Whenever this issue comes to me, I think of the Rolling Stone's "You Can't Always Get What You Want". How do I know if this is what I want or need? How do I know if this is a part of the plan?

I'm not pious, and I dunno how I encorporate this to religion, but I believe in the plan. Not a God, a plan. A key to the rest of your life. I'm only young, so maybe the plan is unfolding as I type this, and my future is laid out to me like paper. When I think of this, I see a chart diagram. The first box, at the top, is my current state. And from that box, it expands wildly to different boxes, different outcomes. And from that outcome, another outcome, etc... until it maybe stops. Or it may never stop. For me, it stops to that American dream I mentioned. But when, or if, I get to that point where I say "I'm satisfied with my life.", I can't close the book I have to go on with myself, and see if this plan continues, to where it may all fall apart in the end, and I have to start over? I dunno.

It's better not to know, too.

Let things happen, let this happen, let me wake up on weekdays to my routine from 6:15 in the morning, to 12:30 midnight. It's a routine, but it could be a part of the plan. The thing about the plan is that you can't think about it. Just let things flow. I wanted to be a computer engineer years back. Now I want to be a video game artist. And I feel right in this world to think that, to think that I can make a living doing art for something I love. But it's bound to change, maybe.

To something better? I will never know.

...

What is wrong with me, I'll probably never know for the sake of my life. But I guess that makes me a part with everybody else.

- Ant

No fortune in my fortune cookie...

2010-11-22T21:57:00.001-05:00

This is obviously a sign of the devil.

- Ant

2010-11-21T23:57:00.001-05:00

- "Take This Longing"- Leonard Cohen
- Installing tat on my PS3
- Waiting for a call from anybody

Thanksgiving my ass.

- Ant

Something serious... (CONT: In the middle of Java...)

2010-11-21T13:27:00.000-05:00

Jesus, I'm gonna get shot in the foot someday for putting off my homework for some Grand Theft Auto IV right after school. I'm not even kidding; I'll probably end up as a poor and hopeless immigrant who has to work his way up with a gun.

Anyway, I don't fully remember what I wrote about yesterday, and I'm too lazy to go back and check. It's Thanksgiving break, I'll be too worried about bulking up and officially starting "Operation Grow-A-Fucking-Beard-Already-You're-Seventeen (GAFBAYS), and complete those two for Black Friday, where I'll hopefully buy my Killzone 2 and the God of War Collection for my Playstation 3 for the price of a Hamilton.

It's one of those phases where it's like I want to write like Shakespeare one moment, then laze around like a skinny, white asian boy with no energy or motivation. It's what makes us human, yes...

But I hate phases in life. I mean, if it weren't for phases, we'd probably be dead, but... I think I'm applying "phases" to more basic issues. And by basic, I mean relationships and egos... being a fucking teenager. Here we go with my ranting...

11/21- Actually, no, no ranting... finishing this up now, I think I'll just get to my point: I want something serious. A serious friendship, a serious relationship... and that's really about it. Everything else is chill.

WOW, good job getting your point across...

- Ant

Small world, you bastards...

2010-11-21T13:20:00.000-05:00

- "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE"
- Applying for college scholarships
- Blogging
- Questioning women
- Why are almost all my friends mental cases?

I don't know why I'm posting what I'm doing and thinking on this, maybe it's an attempt for a... better... post. I honestly don't know what to write, or what to think, since I'm busy with SMiLE and scholarship crap. But at the same time, my mind is rushing with ideas and questions. Questions nobody can ever know how to answer because just about everybody doesn't know a dime about me.

Alright, I'm listening to SMiLE, 07) "Wonderful" through 10) "Surf's Up", I have in my head, the most incredible visualization of how this music, this album, can be played out in a film, and I mean a full-length feature film... about someone whom nobody understands, and has a beautiful mind and imagination... I wish I could say it was about me, but that'd be lying to myself... and I visualize it anyway everytime I hear it when I am outside. It's very beautiful. This album is very beautiful.

I can relate to Brian Wilson completely, at times. He had this incredible idea for an album in the 60s, but his group The Beach Boys didn't approve, and thought it was too fucked over tenfold to do, so they called it "Smile"... and it was okay, don't getme wrong... but that was it. Okay.

It wasn't a "Sgt. Pepper" killer. Not just that, it instead killed the Beach Boys. Brian Wilson left, got into a mental breakdown... then made "SMiLE".

"SMiLE", the "Smile" he wanted... and the "Sgt. Pepper" killer we've been waiting for to see if it was ever possible. Sure, Rolling Stones Magazine didn't say it, but I am: "Brian Wilson Presents SMiLE" is the epitome of musical art, to me.

Now, I forgot, how does this guy relate to me? I got as many brilliant ideas, I'm sure we all do, yes, but we ourselves are the obstacles. After that statement, it is a fine line: those who can break that obstacle, like Brian did, or enclose themselves with these ideas and nobody will ever know about your genius. Making a blog for myself is a step-up, you have no idea. That was my obstacle: being heard, and being heard well and by at least a few people if possible.

And now I forgot why I called this post "Small world, thanks to you bastards" (UPDATE). I'm not yelling at anybody, but I'm still yelling at everybody. Everybody narrow, everybody boring, shitfaced, EVERYBODY-WHO-HAS-SOMETHING-TO-SAY:

Wake up!

- Ant

In the middle of Java...

2010-11-17T14:32:00.000-05:00

I think I'm more than aware about maybe the slightest number of people actually look at my blog. I don't care. If I wanna make an incredibly heavy and deep blogpost, and nobody reads it, I could care less. It's not about those who read it. It's mostly about me surviving by writing.

I'm a terrible writer. And me saying this is probably one of those personal instincts we all have (beautiful girls who think they're ugly, innocents who think they're failures, politicians who think they're right), but I admit I have coherences issues with my own posts; I want to have my posts make sense, even if it makes the basic point, anyway... see, right now, I'm thinking if that sentence has anything to do with anything.

I talk to a lot of people about putting thoughts into words. I'm surprised almost constantly how many of my friends have Bloggers or Tumblrs, even my own teachers. It's absolutely surprising, how someone who's so dull or so ecstatic, can have a deep statement made on a Tumblr page. Story of my life, maybe? I dunno.

Crap, I need to do this Java program. Yeah, I somehow make myself get into trouble with posting on Blogger in the middle of class, what with Mr. Shouse, and Mr. Riddick, maybe... but I can make an exception for someone like Mrs. Mckean. She deserves my work.

My motto: respect people that deserve it.

I'll recontinue this post eventually.

- Ant

I lost every ounce of my respect for you today.

2010-11-14T18:08:00.000-05:00

- Ant

My plans for Thanksgiving break:

2010-11-13T20:47:00.001-05:00

Damn right.

- Ant

I didn't accomplish a single damn thing today...

2010-11-10T23:04:00.002-05:00

... and I'm alright with that.

- Ant

TO: Mr. Brian Wilson

2010-11-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

I am home once again. Thank you.

- Ant

Moral and Creation

2010-11-07T01:20:00.000-04:00

Over the 17 years of my life, there are just about two things that matter more than anything on this unhealthy and unholy earth, that make the difference to just about anything for surviving just about everything :

Money, and control

These two things are the very root to our failure as a humanity, and if you don't see a failure, then you obviously cannot see the big picture pretty well. What's more intimidating is that when these two words are actually not equaled together, you can incorporate money with a good ability of control. And how you can handle this ability of control, I've thought up through my own two things that make my world work for myself:

Moral, and creation

Both of these things have gotten me far in life, because it overall concurs with what makes me a better person. Moral, because a healthy conscience and morality makes the person, as does personality, so basically:

"morality = personality = character = survival"

Next to morality, another thing that can make someone is his/her ability to create; if you can't find the solution around you or through you, make it. This spurs the imagination, and imagination is another key to survival: making a life of your own; uniqueness. Incorporating that creation with morality, I think I'm in a good spot so far.

And thinking about all this now, having morality and creation can really make the difference this year so far. These past few months, things have really gone ape-shit with people in my school. And when I say 'ape-shit', I don't mean it to be a bad and evil thing, but a thoughtless paradox that nobody can get through, especially the autumn of 2010 so far.

Alot of my friends, in high school, most of them not even on their last year of high school, are getting married, getting prego, even considering getting implants. The start of October, engagement; just last night, engagement; in a few weeks, someone I hardly know is gonna be a father, at the age of 17; his little brothers, uncles; high schoolers, Seniors, just some 5 months of graduating and getting a high school diploma, and dropping out; rats and hypocrites every next day, over and over... if you know who you are in this post, then disregard this post, and understand that it is not I that is angry at you... but it is I who is completely confused, because all I can think to myself is whether ev-ry-bo-dy is going insane!

I mean, yeah, it's fucking high school, but still, is there no self-respect? Anymore? Anywhere at anytime at anyplace? There is almost no moral, when all that seems to matter is commercialism and propaganda. And the worst part? Oh yeah, the worst part: as far as it seems, we're not learning! Years of evolution and revolution, and here we are, still pathetic, still unprofessional, still lustful, and still angry.

Not just high school, dammit, but everywhere I look! The television, Exhibit A, going outside in the city, Exhibit B, and quite possibly, you, Exhibit C. Where's the fucking conscience! Will there ever be moral anymore? Can I sit here, and look around me, and see any good anymore? It's suicidal, at times, but what other option can I conjure? Fighting won't get you anywhere, because probably nobody will listen. And those who want to listen will make a cult, clique, and its people like me that meet with these cults either on terrible blogs like this one, or we just keep it in our heads for no one to fully understand... or beatniks and hipsters at Starbucks, who knows.

Nobody wants to hear what you have to say, because we probably got more important things to do, and what you say doesn't matter anyway because it won't make a difference to anyone anytime soon. And because of that, there is that itch within people like me to just roll with the punch, somewhat give up, give in, give down, and probably end up in the majority without knowing it. But then it'd be another statistic, the zombie statistic.

I can't express my inner thoughts to many people because they probably get it out of context and won't understand, and I don't talk to many people about my thoughts on my blog, because I'll just get laughed at for not having a life. I'm surprised I've made it this far without putting a watergun to my nostril. Now, am I calling myself smart? No. Am I calling myself alot better than you, the reader? Absolutely not; I'm keeping my morality. But am I telling you what you may or may not see? I'm sure attempting it, because someone has to, and someone has to know and listen.

You know that saying, "you can't have a good without a bad"? It can't be reversed to say "You can't have a bad without a good." Reverse the statement, and you'll just end up having the bad overpower the good with whatever power the bad has. That's as simple as I can make it. You can't have a good without a bad, then you'll just have a bad.

The good will go bad, because those two things I've noticed... money and control... however much denial you're gonna make, those two things will eventually take over, either temporarily or completely, and it'll be another statistic. This bad is everywhere, and its most common terms are now "greed" and "corruption"... "money" and "control"... and they are unavoidable wherever you turn, and the amateur and narrow will eventually succumb to it, until it becomes too much that you either die, die on the inside, or go to a rehab of some sort, somewhere.

Another thing to consider: those few who have managed to overcome all that I have posted, and have lived a good life for themselves and others... will too be brought down by the majority group: everyone else, at some point in your lives. Our world has somehow become those two political terms: the majority and minority. The majority: everyone else, and the minority, not everyone else. These few, the minority, like the cults, will more than likely live isolated; work, eat, sleep, and probably be isolated.

Here's my message to those who know are a part of the majority: you're not convincing anyone. Don't toy with people like me to think it could work. I think I know the most of the truth, and either way, I'll just sit or stand here, and laugh, knowing who is the more lost or overly-pathetic. FIND your morality, balance it, and spread it like fire; if you want to make the difference, CREATE that difference.

- Ant

Bad acne, bad ADHD, bad juju...

2010-11-03T21:17:00.001-04:00

I love post-Halloween chocolate.

- Ant

UPDATE:... in picture

2010-11-01T21:26:00.001-04:00

OCTOBER
- ... what else is new?

OCTOBER
- Finally gave into buying Grand Theft Auto IV
- I rock at Uncharted 2 multiplayer
- The 4th period Lakeside Theatre people win 4th place at One Acts

NOVEMBER
- Seeing as how I'm looked upon as the Altoid guy... I think it's my turn to have a little fun, with abit of deception... even though I uploaded this on Facebook and everyone knows about it (but hey, it's staying in my right cheek pocket, so I still win).
- Not shaving for all of November... hmm... by the start of December, it'd be back to square-one, if you know what I mean...

- Ant

UPDATE: ... update?

2010-10-18T23:50:00.002-04:00

God, I love being single and hopeless! It's alot better than being rich and miserable. But I still suck either way. Awesome!

( ^ Too many statuses on Facebook ^ )

So, some people I blankly share my Blog to (really just one, though) have "encouraged" to bring up different ideas for my ANT'S INDEPENDENT REVOLUTION. I still haven't worked on my My IGN blog, which is a gaming blog for my gaming juices... and that's just about it. Gaming, and inner thought. That's all I can think of for any sort of writing worth clustering on a Word document and blindly putting together into a terribly-coherent Post.

Well... since I'm here, I suppose I can give a shot at avoiding topics such as: school, girls, college, future, drama, beauty, death, love, society... this is difficult because I can't avoid these, because it's only these topics that are a part of me for the next 8 months, and then some more after that...

Netflix? It got an update on my Playstation 3, and the results are wonderful. And THE best TV series ever thought up, 'Married... With Children', has almost all seasons up on the live library, thank God!-

BINGO!

I never touched on religion on here. Take that, Larry!

- Ant

On beauty.

2010-10-17T01:07:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing school has not taught me, and will probably ever "teach" anyone anytime, anywhere... it's American Beauty. Yes, I'm aware I've talked about this movie too many times on this Blog... but at the same time, I'm also aware you hardly ever look at my Blog in the first place, so we're even. The movie is a work of filmographic artwork, an important masterpiece of film... and it has nothing to do with the camera angles, the music, Kevin Spacey, and the symbolism (though they are all as incredible, especially the symbolism). It's the inner meaning of life. How life is a bitch when its in a cage, and you just don't have that umph to get out the cage, even though that cage has the key in the lock...

Until all you see and need is the motivation: A lover. Or a bitch of a lover. A unique young adult who smokes pot and has an eye for the visually-striking. The positive, or the negative. The thing that drives you, or the thing that drives you insane.

This movie was my motivation. That living the predictable isn't the way you'll live a "good life". That aiming high, beyond your dreams is a daunting task that'll require your patience and indifference. That we preconceive our ideas about things in life, without seeing the truth. And that truth would turn out to be something we never expected or considered for a moment.

And discovering the Rolling Stones through "Shine A Light". Yeah, that too.

I've mentioned this on a recent Blog entry, but during the start of the climax of my schooling (the end of middle school, the start of high school), my life was crap. I didn't know what to live for, not because I was emo, but.. what did I have to live for? I didn't understand what was right or wrong, what was acceptable and unacceptable to who, or who I wanted or needed to follow in the first place. And alot of these contributed to a narrow and bland life. It's my Senior year in high school now, and now people tell me that I'm an attention-whore for wearing Lennon shades, or shades in general, indoors; for wearing a peace armband that somehow represents a swastika; for attaching a box of mint/cinnamon Altoids on the strap of my one-strap bookbag; for wearing a suit at the start of the second semester; for having all my wrist crap on my wrist... it's high school. But I still tell them, and I still observe, "It's just me being me." And I genuinely enjoy life. I at least enjoy life at its most.

You can find beauty in all the wrong places, all the most random places. A sunset is a good example. A still lake? Two birds chasing each other for over two hours in the same part of the neighborhood? A damaged and abandoned room? Red roses? The blue sky that I can see for miles? Driving alone on the naked road? Almost all of this is naturalism, yes, but nevertheless, you need the eye for it. It's just the matter of letting go.

This may seem abit harsh, but (aside aspects you can't change at all; ex. cancer) I smile and laugh at people on the inside for being boring. Not just boring, but at the same time, being so full of shit (ex. 6yr olds playing COD multiplayer with the "heart" of a high rank, Justin Beiber). Not just that, I try to avoid it all together. Most of my friends aren't boring, and those that are boring have that charming charismatic tone that makes it entertaining to live. The people, even friends, I avoid, I try not to stress so much, but at the same time, it gets annoying having to deal with their problems over and over almost every weekday.

In the end, sometimes life is so fast and hectic, and filled with distractions, and sometimes you have to teach yourself to be still and be quiet and allow yourself to look for beauty. That's all I can teach you from what I've learned. And when you have the eye for it... oh, boy.

- Ant

Motivation and Satisfaction (No. 2)

2010-10-13T19:17:00.000-04:00

It seems I'm getting back to my Blog at the wrong time. I got Senior Project shit to complete, and I got the life I used to know, as it seems. But this Blog post is on exactly that, if you can notice.

SENIOR YEAR

... my head is only thinking about Senior Prj... and it's interesting, because, despite what every former-Senior I know has stressed over their year... the Senior Project really isn't so hard (so far). Just need a load of time. And I mean it. That's honestly all you need. Because these guys are expecting you to do this entire year-long research project... as well as carry on the class status of a Senior. And even if you tossed out the Senior Project, this school year... is really terrible to alot of us.

If you are reading this, and I'll assume it's a Panther, we're more than aware that almost one-by-one a student from our school is disappearing. As far as I'm aware (for the school), it began with Nick Hartfield, then it continued with the passing of Chad Williams, then this week with Vergil King.

Now, I don't know these people, and for the majority of my schooling, I never personally knew any of the students that have died throughout the school career that I've gone through. But what I can relate to, in a small way, is the disappearance of people, as in going to another school or state. This I know all too well, and it has really ruined my Senior year.

Most of the people I can mention who have actually gone to another school or state or whichever, or graduated, makes me feel smaller in a big place. Not weaker. Smaller. More alone, despite those I still have. The closest of friends I have/have had, especially since this is the longest time I've been in one school or one state (my dad's in the Army; I've never had life-long friends), it's as if God is picking them off one-by-one and sending them somewhere else. Facebook doesn't cut it.

Fortunately, I have met some more newer people, as well. Brandt, Jessica, Lindsey, these chaps I hang out with in a tranquil location behind the band room during lunch, have made it infinitely more bearable to be constantely reminded by myself that others are not here with me. Not to leave out Suhail Ziadeh; he and his clan, as well, have made this year alot more enjoyable. And this clan specifically made it alot more fun to budge against our new administration that is annoyingly limiting our options of having a good year here at Lakeside. I've never been more happier to wear a more extreme peace armband. I'm putting my own little revolution once more, even if it means doing it by myself...

And then there are those that have not left, but I am slowly. It's coming to an understanding that this year is all about me, me getting my hands on the diploma, me concluding a second life, all the while putting the life I enjoy on the side of the plate. Regardless of whoever are in my life this year, whoever I'll more than likely visit during college breaks, whoever I'll more than likely share my life with throughout the years... it's about me this time. And if they can't seem to comprehend that, or I can't comprehend with them, I'll slip away. Sure, I got a Facebook to do some chats or Wall posts here or there... but personally... meh, not as much as it used to be. I'm sorry if this sounds abit harsh, I'm probably not explaining it right... but it's something you're noticing. You don't see me hanging around the Yu-Gi-Oh table in the mornings that much anymore, and then some.

... as I always am, though, I'm just glad I'm not involved with a gal in this school... oh, but this is something I gotta talk about individually.

WOMEN

I'm procrastinating my note cards like hell right now, and there isn't much of a guessing game or essay to do over for this topic, so I'll make an ol' list with no coherence to anything.

- 80-90% of the girls here are preps. No.
- Those with the right personalities are either taken, too hard to get, have one too many annoying flaws, or something to just unappeal to me.
- Too busy to focus.
- I'm going to graduate, so what's the point right now? I'm leaving Augusta, and long-distance is a very testy idea to comprehend.
- I'm just so awesome at being single. I can have fun with girls around me, and not have a sort of moral conduct within myself.
- I'm in for a real and lengthy relationship when it's there and possible.
- Is it really that impossible to find a girl gamer? An attractive, and not taken, girl gamer? XD
- Does it involve money and attention more than just pure love now-a-days? If money and attention were women, we got a bunch of whores in our school.
- Being in a relationship, and still being able to be yourself?
- If you knew how many girls here are so easy...

But the one obvious note to take here, as secondly pointed out by Brandt,

- I'm a metaphorical slut. I have a very short attention-span for most of the girls I have taken an interest in. It's mostly because I never made a move, or I know I don't have a shot, etc... but taking in a different attraction and interest almost every one to two weeks... yeah, I am a slut.

Now, notice, I said "for most of the girls..." Notice that, because despite all the years I spent here in Georgia, there are some few who have never left my interest despite my slutness. And knowing more and more about them each time I can makes it more and more permanant. I guess it has to do with that, maybe; if she/he is more like you than you know, she/he 'll probably never leave your mind. Ever. However far and wide the distance is, you're still genuinely interested.

... wow, that is the most accurate description of what I've been trying to say over the years.

- Ant

If you thought Gary Jule's "Mad World" was depressing...

2010-10-13T18:07:00.000-04:00

... then you haven't heard anything like I have. Leonard Cohen's "So Long, Marianne" has been going in loops on my PSP since I downloaded it (uh oh...) some two days ago. And now I feel so depressed and moody for almost no reason, and may explain my last post. Like I've stressed before, I'm a happy guy, my life is awesome, but...

My life sucks!

- Ant (notice new signature)

... ugh...

2010-10-13T00:41:00.001-04:00

...r'uuuuggghh...

I hate being a Senior. The Senior privaleges thing is a lie, too many Seniors here are sadly passing away before ourselves, the school is becoming more stricter and Catholic than ever, one of our own administrators had to cancel a main event at our last Pep Rally because we were going to throw hardballs at underclassmen who deserve it, I'm becoming more distant with other people and finding my own little places of solitude, our school competition play isn't really that up there for an award-winning One Act play, all the women in our school only hold so much interest in me for so long, there's drama everywhere, getting into SCAD Savannah costs a mind-blowing amount of money that I probably won't be able to get in

... and I then there's the Senior Project. I got note cards to do right now. But I can't, because I got limitations on sources to only get, maybe, 9 cards out of 25 total, by Thursday.

... and there are TOO many fackin' deadlines on papers and shit that staying through the late hours and straight 'til morning is becoming a habit. I don't even have time to go to movies anymore, or probably the October Fest and Boshears Skyfest... or even email my grandmother! ... and then there's my parents and friends bitching about how I'm not hanging out with them as much anymore because I'm just too busy for my own good. I should be lucky. I mean, I made it this far with 4 As, and maybe a B and a C, I dunno... but not getting out of Trigonometry in time would've threatened my graduation completely. I should be fucking lucky. And I got some teachers here depending on me to do this and that, make a radio intro for a school radio podcast nobody listens to, and college research and powerpoints, and this and that in Drama II, and...

For fuck's sake, everyone, just give me some fucking time!

I need me back. He's off in Eagles Nest, Minnesota and he's skinny-dipping with some Donovan or Kinks tracks playing on the record player or stereo. Little basterd.

- Ant

Oh, and another thing: Mr. Shouse, my 1st period teacher: 1) I'm typing this blogpost at my house on my own laptop, so there shouldn't be any "bad cop" ordeals going about, and 2) I'm having Economics next year for 1st period, but I'd still be interested in doing radio anchor.

Yeah, teachers here apparently look at my Blogger. Embarrassing? Not really. Awesome? Depends on the person reading...

On death.

2010-09-15T00:39:00.000-04:00

I’ve been watching American Beauty far too many times this week. Far too many times in one life, and the number of times will reach infinite times until the day I die. I love this movie. Not just because of the stellar acting, camera work, and music... but how it settles into your emotions and living through its definite message.

I can’t tell you exactly what that message is, since there are many interpretations of it from many movie-junkies, and it’s not exactly a message, not as much as a feeling... that you can’t live this life without knowing one very eternal and important factor that about everyone has come to forget completely: are you happy.

It’s hard for me to put to words what’s been happening to me over the course of my older teenage years, but I can tell you straight away that I’ve lost much. I’ve lost so much I don’t even remember what I’ve lost because it is forever gone... but through this lose, I’ve gained. I’ve gained a newer spirituality, a newer awareness on what is concrete, a newer livelihood.

I can tell you a few things I know I’ve lost:

- All religion

- Any respect for politics

- A failure of humanity

- The clique of this generation of society

- The self-esteem issues that cloud what is true “beauty”

And a revitalized image of death.

If I had to die, right here, right this moment... I’d welcome it.

My life. My God, my life. Since those revelations and events, it literally brings a tear to my eye that my life is so... beautiful.

That important dynamic of life that a godly many have lost, and I was willing to soak it in: happiness. Before anything, I wasn’t so in-line with myself. Sure, I was happy, but nothing was concrete. It was as if every emotion in me was just flying all around me from my head, just whizzing by without a clue were to go. I didn’t know where to go, or what to do with myself. Should I just follow the conformity, and see if it takes me anywhere? I wanted to GO somewhere, but I didn’t know where. What was I suppose to do?... I just wouldn’t be content in my life if I was to die that moment.

I would rather die happy than live sadly.

But I (think I’ve) found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve let myself be myself. I’ve lost interest in what used to matter in perspective to others, insignificant others I would begin to realize before it was too late that they would have nothing to do with me in the next years of my forthcoming new life. I threw away what I realized had nothing to do with me, never made me happy, all these emotions that would only hurt and confuse and annoy, and just had no heart or anything for... and everything I threw away turned into who I am right now as I type this: me.

I know where I want to go, what I want to do, I am letting it all out, and it built into this human conscience who knows what to do... I think. Nothing will ever be concrete. But there’s no joy in having it concrete. You can’t stay still and routine. There’s nothing there, no matter how fun that routine is. “Live and let die.” Give it a try. Take the shot... just fucking go for it! As I tell everyone on anything, you only have one life. One small, unpredictable, time-ticking, continuous life. A life you’re just gonna let go all by itself.

I would rather die happy than live sadly.

An orange sunrise, an orange sunset, a gentle breeze as the lake paddled with your emotions as you just sit there, and the only thing around you is nothing, nothing but those feelings of breath-taking senses of glee and beauty, all just unleash out of your heart and into the air. Letting go. And realizing just how gratified you are to be alive and well.

And then you die.

-AG

REVIEW: The last "first day of school"

2010-08-09T17:10:00.000-04:00

Today, I became a Senior. A Senior. My God, I would've never seen myself make it this far with myself to realize how much has changed to this moment. I keep thinking about this little boy, maybe some 4 ft. tall, and how all he knew in life was trying for an Honor Roll, trying to make friends, talk like a smart business person, "be important" however an elementary schooler could see anything... that little boy thought that by the time he got to the age of 18, when being 18 to buy this or that from a TV screen was all that mattered about the age, that he would BE that smart business-talking person, that D.A.R.E. would teach me the dangers of drugs, and that he will be a proud citizen to his shining country called the United States Of America.

... it has come to my last year of schooling, and I want to cry to tell that little boy that everything he's been told over the years has been almost a complete set of lies. That little innocent boy was lied to. For 17 years. This world isn't what he expected by this age. This isn't his shining country called the United States Of America. his. This isn't a safe world D.A.R.E made for him. That little boy has absolutely no idea what has happened. He's no longer four feet tall.

It's very hard to comprehend why I'm gloomy right now, but I have this feeling that seems to have settled in, telling me that everything last year has taught me from honor, friends, teachers, and Seniors especially, I have to walk with now that I myself have become the Senior. As if most of my friends and most of my Senior friends from last year gave me the key to this moment in time, and it's my responsibility alone now, to take that key to two locks: my diploma, and my heart.

First, let me tell you about the actual first day. To begin with, my bus is still the depressing and destructive I-want-to-choke-these-little-middle-schoolers-to-death sensation when I got on. I met a good friend from last year, and had chats here and there, with my PSP settling on my hand to The Proclaimer's "500 Miles", feeling like the proper way to start. Haha.

The minute I got into the school, the [boop] hits the fan. I've never seen so many "Freshmen" in one fucking place. These kids keep getting tinier by the year, dammit! Half the Commons was dry empty! I got to see some more friends (scattered in and around the Freshmen, I mean) and Mrs. Young eventually through the chaos. One of them, Sean, and I went to that dry, empty space just to overlook how fucked up it was. Chaos, fo shiz, man...

Trying to figure out my own personal schedule, I went to Homeroom alot earlier, and found the Goldberg brothers hanging in my Homeroom. Going to 1st Period for Vid/Broadcasting, it was great to see Mr. Shouse happy/pissed to see me. I have some high hopes for this class, regardless of however mood that guy's is.

2nd Period came along, and after a knee-cramping stutter through the halls to Adv. Alg (I already arranged route plans outside the school back at Open House), I was welcomed by Richardson Lane, I see as the only person, in the class, and eventually by Jerry Meitin, who's first name is enough for the toying with the word "Seinfeld" to it. And now I'm his class clown. Since when am I ever called that? XD

3rd Period was somewhat curious, because Open House listed mine as a question mark; it was a dealing of electives and chance, since it was a "Vacant" choice. I got... well, a class on business and career, making plans, etc... I swear to God, my brother would love this class if he went back some maybe 2 years ago, 'cause that was all I could think about for the class.

However, I began to remember that I had almost nobody from my little group of friends for lunch like last year. It was all scattered, as if the (new) Administration chose us of all people because we were so connected that their miserable little lives didn't want to see us happy. And during 5th, I realized more and more that everything was confusly scattered. Scattered than ever. I had Zach H. for 1st, Richardson for 2nd, Sean for 3rd... a few number of people I would hardly notice for 5th, and maybe 2, for 6th.

It feels so empty without the people I met and truly had my trust and love for. They're off to college now, or just laughing at us on Facebook. Haha. And then there's people I love as dearly, who I'll see for maybe only 20 minutes in the morning in a day. And the few who are so important to me, they're gone to another school. It feels as if I gotta tread this year alone, in some way. Facebook doesn't make it better, from the sense I'm putting.

I have my family from back in the Drama department, and words won't ever describe those feelings, but even then, it felt empty with about 16 people. It would've been a complete blast (for me) to have worked with complete noobs at this, or just have more people somewhat new to this, and get involved in the process. As much love (and importance) there is to be working with the same actors as last year, it would've been great to have more to it than that.

... having Ms. Mix- MRS. COLLINS!- doesn't really make it better with Senior Prj. coming along, as with those other few mentioned, for 5th, either.

Across the hall, I can take all the time in the world to my 6th period, where I was TOLD (Brandon, you asshole XD ) to be making video game codes in Computer Programming. Nevertheless, it felt very lounge-like to be working with fellow gamers/geeks/computer people, and with someone as awesome as Mrs. McKean.

In the end, though, it really feels limited to how I can commune with those loved ones I made about one year ago. Though, I feel that in almost one year, on May, I will look back at this Blog post, or even my entire life... as I touch my diploma, my ticket to escape from this world if I can. Break the chains I managed to damage sufficiently, and get the hell outta here.

Because this is my last year... and it's only been the first day.

-AG

News: 'LHS: "Alice In Wonderland", updates coming in few days.

2010-05-09T14:03:00.000-04:00

Hello one, hello all. Anthony "Ant" Garcia is back again.

For those who keep watch of this blog (the two of you...), I'm sorry for not updating in over a month. April has been so much work for one person... well, namely 23 people. We've been working on a school play for almost that entire month, "Alice in Wonderland", which I will talk about eventually here. In fact, there are plentiful updates acoming in the next few days and weeks. But first, for the sake of my theatre brother and sisterhood, my blog post for this play is first. Here's the list I'm gonna discuss:

- LHS "Alice In Wonderland" (Critique, and 2-month experience)
- Nothing to lose
- School year 2009-2010, Lakeside
- My 17th birthday... at HOOTERS.
- On religion
- Summer plans
- Review: June 7 SAT test
- E-fucking-3 2010!

I got a long way to go with this, regardless of how much you're seeing here. EOCTs this week, school in general, goodbyes, then probably my last summer break. And in that summer break, there'll be SAT, E3, Minnesota, college work, job applications... and all the while, working out.

Watch for this blog. I'm back, better than before (not really), and ready to get ready for the next months to come.

-AG

"Ant's Theory of Rights To Relationships" (work-in-progress)

2010-04-08T17:19:00.000-04:00

*Don't remind me. I know I have never had a girlfriend for the past 17 years, so I can't necessarily judge, more to not have a right to judge, how relationships work, but dammit, I've noticed alot during those years, and I've managed to put together a somewhat disorganized set of beliefs and theories that may/may not suite those inclined to understand or comprehend what works or cannot work.

This is an open blog entry. This means that if one has an idea to add, or a revision to a certain theory, or to just comment how crappy this will end up, I will take it into consideration and change if need be. No boundaries; anyone of any gender can suggest. Think of it like the Bible. It's a bunch of ideas, and it'll be organized eventually so that categories and theories will be set accordingly (I know some pious group is gonna beat me up for that...). S,o here we go...

ANT'S THEORY OF RIGHTS TO RELATIONSHIPS (work-in-progress)

(#)- open for discussion

GOOD

1) If he/she can deal with you hanging out with an opposite sex, and he/she doesn't make it seem awkward or knows nothing is going on with you and that opposite sex... then BY GOD, stick with that person! Those kinda women/men are rare as hell!

2) Patience. If the couple can both have patience with each other.

3) (Applies to #1) If he/she doesn't get sensitive about the smallest detail, like you talking or just walking with an opposite sex.

BAD

1) (#) Holding hands= bushwa. If the most you can do is hold hands, what's the point to begin with?

2) There are mainly two types of 'relationships' men look into:

- An actual "I love you" where he ACTUALLY loves you

- A relationship where it honestly feels like it won't last long

"Top 10: Reasons Why Ant Is Not Going To Prom"

2010-04-06T22:40:00.000-04:00

Que David Letterman intro.

"Alright, so you know Anthony, right? Ant, is, is his so-called name?"

Que Paul Shaffer.

"Yeah, yeah- I know him-"
"Well, he goes to this school, right, it's called Lakeside. Well, they're having their prom, and HE'S not going."
"NO."
"No, he's not going. He's not, he doesn't WANT to go to prom-"
"That's, that's terrible, that's horrible-"
"I know-"
"All those poor women, gonna all... dance, alone and yeah"
"Yeah, some girls are actually asking him. ACTUALLY asked him.[audience laughter]. Yeah, well, we asked for a response from him, and we got a reply, and he's, he's given us his OWN Top 10 as to why he's not going. He's fooling, that kid, he's-"
"Sonofa-"
"He's fooling... with our own show. Well here it is, we got some material, so here we go, Top 10 Reasons Why Ant Is Not Going To Prom, here we go, number ten..."

10)I don't know what day it's at.

9) He's got better things to do, like playing Nazi Zombies with some losers and drinking Yoo-hoo, which he's never tried.

8) "He's got homework and college priorities to get out of the way. Haha. Take that, you jerks."

"Uh-huh... yeah. [audience laughter] You're gonna end up here if you don't do that [audience laughter].

7) He's worn his suit about a million times, and doesn't want to get a new suit, or a tux. That shit looks like hell.

6) He's gonna try skinny dipping in the lake where the prom dudes are gonna get their pictures taken.

5)He's got drama.

"He's got DRAMA, people! Drama!"

4)He's saving his money for "God of War III" and a Rolling Stones shirt.

3)"It's not what Ant would do."

2) He's too busy ranting against Facebook.

"Yeah... I'm used to that. And the number one reason he's not going to prom:"

1) Hey, it's Ant. Who gives a rat's ass?

-AG

Tenderment and enlightenment at around midnight No. 2 (On politics)

2010-03-30T21:49:00.002-04:00

So again last night, I had another enlightening talk with a Senior classman. Do I see a trend?

Actually, I don’t know how it was enlightening, since I didn’t really learn anything like the last ones, but it reinforced my newly learned idea that there are some people here who share your mind and interests.

OR tenderment. Mind you, this is a male persona. Not a female persona who managed to tickle my mind and my heart, but a guy, dude… and whata dude.

This entire chat (Facebook, of course) began with him mentioning his actions against a Selective Service draft he got, and what he thought about it. I talked to him about it, asked him if what he did was, in some words, fair, or legal. We talked about his rebellious, peace-loving, music-breathing ego that I resemble (or try to), his ideas on what should be with the US government, what to do with our lives, rock ‘n’ roll, love…and much to my pleasing, we have the same ideas on politics.

We both have nothing against our US Army, God bless them, but we have something to say on the politics in everything leading to it. How the government has treated many issues during the 20^th century, 60s and early 90s. How there shouldn’t be any political party system here, how much dependent we are on them or not. How we don’t loath but doubt our president…

I’m going to expand on this, believe me, but not here. Not like last time. I think for something this important, I guess, to people, I should make it a topic between me and the reader, not two thinkers and the reader.

Now before anything, I didn’t even know the guy. I met him spontaneously standing infront of Mrs. Mixon’s ELA classroom as my class waited for her to come back. Band geek, seemed cool, reminded me alot of James Franco, hell with it, add him on Facebook. What a story. (Sorry, Andrew :/ ) Chatted with him from time to time, developed a connection, and now enveloped it.

However, though, I think this may reinforce a new image I began to realize this month, and it’s this: For someone you just met, you can’t just assume they’re this or that, or don’t seem like they believe in this or that, or do this, etc… Now, alot of us know this already, “don’t judge a book by its cover”, blah blah, but I can tell alot of us don’t take it for heart. Someone you hardly know, don’t know one bit. And someone like me, who just takes the chance and just does it, I’m thoroughly surprised many times how vast someone like this guy can think and analyze aspects of themselves and society. It’s very clear with the prequel to this blog entry.

There truly are some unknown minds in this place, and I’m lucky enough to interview them.

-AG

Review: GHSGT week

2010-03-27T01:06:00.002-04:00

Come on, you saw this coming. After a week of long study nights, homework, school society, and life in general, it's a cry of hallelujah to say this week is finally over. Minute I got home this Friday, turned on my dusting PS3, put on the Rolling Stones "Shine A Light" concert for the 19th time (the entire concert, 19 times), and jumped around the house like a madman. Something I miss doing. After that, I fell asleep, forced to see a movie with Mel Gibson in it I didn't wanna see (Mel Gibson. Period.), watched 'Married... with Children' for the first time in awhile, and now I'm here.

So what was I... oh yeah! The Georgia High School Graduation Test. I honestly thought this week would never end, or end in a good manner. But it surprisingly surprised me. So I'm gonna do a "review" of the tests I took this week, in order, so I could explain better.

1) Science
I'm not much of a science person. I mean, I love biology, but that's only because I had an incredible teacher at the time. I'm glad I did, since this test was mostly on biology, as well as chemistry (which I'm taking now) and some physics. Again, I'm not a science person and biology is good, so it wasn't easy, but I think that knowledge got me far with the test. Out of 60, 65 questions, I think I did alright. The questions themselves weren't picky, thankfully, but they had some "WTF?! WHO WOULD ASK THAT?!?!" kinda questions, and some needed input put into them. "If this and this did this, ate that, it's probably a-", you'd have to take it in, and look at those choices (Duh!) and pick "Decomposers"

One REALLY screwed-up question was when it asked to "compare a cell to a flashlight. What would the mitochondria represent?" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Who would ask that? HOW do you answer that? How do you compare a [beeping] cell to a [beeping] flashlight? Lightbulb? Handle? Battery (answer)? WHAT?!?!

That really was the test. More screwed-up questions and answers than anything.

2) Mathematics
So halfway through this section of the test, I was about ready to leave my testing room to the bathroom, and laugh my fucking ass off. Holy crap. This test was an absolute joke, it's not even funny.

Here's the rundown: 75 questions, no challenge, hardly no use of a calculator, no specific or legit algebra, only two blank spaces because I TEMPORARILY forgot a method, badass emotions, Northern pride, all within 1 hour 15 minutes.

I can't go any further than that, but to say that I am very happy to have been born in New York when I took this. Do Georgia school systems really think we're THAT low in math? Yikes!

3) English, Language Arts
Tell ya what, I was really getting sick of those Mexican-American poems. Other than that, it was challenging, though not staggering. It had the typical short stories and poems that you actually had to read to actually get the question. Nothing new to me, other than I'm not fully great with answering questions to specific stories. I mean, I WRITE good, but that's just it. I do write good, right?...

4) Social Studies
This is one of those rare times where I'm actually thankful I studied the night before. Had I not, I wouldn't have gotten the 2/3 answers I picked heartily whenever I counted how I many I answered and left blank when I reached a stopping point for myself. The other 1/3 were real trouble spots because I knew what the question was talking about, but any of the answer choices could've been it. Like, all those choices are the reasons as to what happened after the French and Indian War, so what do you mean by "directly"?

Anyway, for 90 questions, I'm pretty content with myself that I finished it at around the same time I finished the Math section, which says something when it was the only test section I feared of all. And for that, I give my thanks and my continuing loathing to Mrs. Griffin's Power Period.

I did take a "fifth" test, but it was really our first. The Writing test section, which we took last year. I should touch on that, but it was a persuasive essay, and I got around a 4.5/5 on. It was great since it was an essay on something I kinda liked: government spending, on space programs.

We surprisingly took the Social Studies test Friday, since the board got the wrong test on the scheduled Thursday we where gonna take it. This pissed me off, yet gave me a full day or relaxation and extra studying before Friday.

So, in a state of shock, this staggering week is over. And there's no homework for me to accomplish minus some journals for Literature. I got this weekend to myself. How am I gonna spend it? Do every little thing I gotta do right now (Saturday, 1am), then the big stuff, my bed, for the whole weekend. My bed. Missed those long hours of sleep, damn straight deserve them now.

-AG

Motivation and satisfaction (No. 1)

2010-03-20T22:48:00.001-04:00

DRIVERS LICENSE

I'm not much of a fan of driving. That's what I believed, until I went go-cart racing in Adventure Crossing during a birthday party last year, then my life changed. Now, it's one of my main focus in life to get a [beeping] drivers license, or even some card to get me to drive. However, I'm a lazy guy, and put up from getting a permit until January of this year. I'm gonna be 17 in about 5 weeks, and I still have nothing involving a car. But I took the permit test finally around January.

I passed the signs test, failed the rules test. Typical. Since then, I just stopped caring, and just think about it on occasions, say "Yeah, maybe I should..." only to be mind-stopped by something. But now it's just critical I get it.

I ride a school bus with a ratio of about 2:8 high to middle schoolers. Middle schoolers that want to be the high schooler we are. Middle schoolers you just want to choke and beat their ass to death. I can't express it simpler or easier than this status I wrote on my Facebook:

"- Once you get closer to the end of high school, there's a fine line between you and the middle schoolers. A bunch of pathetic wannabes who look like an overweight set of child prostitutes and gangbangers, have phones and Apple tech they don't know shit over, and will go as far as they can to appear badass infront of the high schooler. Problem is, they don't know what kind of a high schooler I can be."

There really is a fine line between us. Yes, you used to be a middle schooler yourself, but when you get closer to graduating outta high school, it's a clear wall. Not just a pristine wall, but a wall that's been developing over the years because of parents and technology, but that's another story.

And it's not just them. Believe me, I can go on about how much I wanna smash these little runts with a baseball bat, step on their heads, crush them, GAH!... but it's not just them. And like always, there are middle schoolers that'll surprise you with their intellect, but like my recent posts have said, it's rare.

I also ride with the 2 of that ratio, and the half of that ratio is basically the same as these middle schoolers who shouldn't be in high school in the first place.

And it's not just them. We have a terrible driver, an annoying cast of characters, a route that lasts about 5 minutes so we can't sleep (even if we tried with the annoying cast)... And what is it with these people and perfumes? You're not gonna get attraction by smelling like old vanilla cookies or macaroons. Srsly...

So I just turned a discussion about a driver's license to a rant against a school bus. But this is good, 'cause it'll remind me of why I should look into a license. Now.

GHSGT

2010-03-20T14:41:00.001-04:00

It's gonna be a long end of the month, and today will be my last taste of happiness and aggressive gaming pwnage. After this afternoon, I'm gonna have to hit the books for my Georgia High School Graduation Tests (GHSGT). Science, Math, English, and Social Issues. 4 days, 2 hours per, and then regular schooling right after. Christ!

...and that's just the testing. Right now, I gotta call this magazine business about a SECOND? renewal for my subscription? When I just renewed it about 2 weeks ago? Not just that, but drama to deal with, with people that are driving each other, and me, to the point of mental hysteria. AND drama onstage as well, with our rehearsals for "Alice In Wonderland" we're performing about a month from now.

Man, that's the only sort of "drama" I wanna deal with. I'm talking to some veterans on how the testing was to them. It doesn't make any sense, calling it a Graduation Test, when I'm still a Junior... but whatever.

Week after that, though, things should windle down. After this coming week, it'll be another week of school crap, but THEN... Spring Break, oh my. Nothing but Playstation and dumbbells for me. And some weeks later, this bastard turns 17.

It's gonna be a long end of the school year, I should say.

-AG

Crap from me, to 6th period.

2010-03-18T23:45:00.000-04:00

"dear blog,

today i told my class from mrs. young about my blog. i told them i talk about my deep thoughts, and they laughed. nobody will take me serioulsy. i hate it. i hate it alot, nobody loves me. anywaayyyy, i had another lame day. drama, people being IMMATURE, blah. hope tomorrow is better...

anthony"

... yeah right. Take that, you 6th period basterds.

It really is saddening that some people can't take others seriously as they can or should. Sure, I'm a wild persona, and I can believe some people wouldn't take me seriously at times, but why the hell not? Do you not wanna try? Give it a chance?... but then am I trying? Crisscross on ideals. Man, I hate complexity.

-AG

On being single.

2010-03-15T21:56:00.000-04:00

Continued from ‘On relationships’

So as I said on my last blog entry, I’m not usually in a rush to be in a relationship. Beginning one, dealing with one, ending one, getting over one, but also… I just freaking enjoy being a single guy. I mean, there are as many disadvantages as there are advantages in not being in a relationship, but… let me just write.

Let me just write. (I like that.)

I’ve been single for my entire life. Now I think because of that, I have been able to express myself more vividly and openly than I would if I wasn’t. I feel so free, relaxed, and feel as if I can be who I want to be without worrying about relationships. Circumstances, I’d probably still be able to if I was in one, but I really doubt that. I enjoy being single mainly for the freedom and interactions.

I love women. Pretty women. Women with personality, women with adorable faces, women with a grasp on intellect, women with bodies that make your pants drop … you get the point. But that’s the thing. Women. Not woman. Women. There are plenty of those kinds out there, and it’s the thing with me being with one of those for a certain time. A certain time until I seem to either get irritated or bored, and later have the itch to meet someone new. Someone with the figures I mentioned above. (I’ll expand on that.) And again, there are those I simply can never get tired of, get angry about, and simply not worry or be afraid of being in a relationship with. But that’s just rare, and that’s just me.

And then there’s me living. Here’s the jingle: I can handle billions of people judging how I dress, strut, rebel, or do random things. I can handle people judging me. I cannot, CANNOT handle one person judging me, and remind myself that that person is really a part of my life. Women will find their ways to control your life. I can’t say for myself, clearly, but it will happen. Maybe not all, but again that’ll be that rare breed of women.

Not just all this, but I simply enjoy playing. Playing with the curiosity of women liking me. And yes, it has happened, it happens. It always will. It will for me, for you, him, and her. And if you play that game, and you yourself are in a relationship, it’ll make you sick. Hanging out with women, being with women, hugging women, different women talking to you, having yourself be someone to look up to… all that jazz, and not worry about a girlfriend questioning it, complaining about it... just only having the other guy questioning, which is always fun.

Now again, there are those nights where I feel pretty alone as I watch the Late Late Show, or drink a pop of Cola as I lay back on the coach, or even when I do homework with music blaring out of my laptop. It can be saddening for me on many occurrences, I’d really feel like a lowdown loser for not being in a relationship, I admit. It’s never fun, especially when you’re standing with your friends and their boyfriend/girlfriend and those two are chatting, and you just stand there like a dumbass asking yourself “What am I doing here?” There are those times, sulking over it. But when I feel that alone, I can always turn to some gals I can never feel alone with, and all that I mentioned above comes to effect.

In the end, though, I somehow overlook it myself over how incredible and content my life is. I feel this major sense of freedom and liberty when I am me, and me being single. I don’t think I’m gonna need a woman in my life in awhile. Maybe not yet, but not now, not when I got the world going my way. I live the way I want. And no woman is going to change that.

-AG

On relationships.

2010-03-08T10:32:00.000-05:00

I’m going to be frank with anyone who sees this. I mean my friends on Facebook, a spontaneous reader, or just anyone interested on how I have handled relationships for the past, almost, 17 years.

I’ve never been in one. Never in a relationship. I’ve never asked a girl out, I’ve never been on a date, I never even kissed a girl with it having a sort of meaning in the word “love”. The sort of “love” that most everyone in this Godforsaken Earth has hidden, loathed, and complicated since the existence of humanity.

I think I finally figured out why I’ve never been in one. And believe me, it’s not because I’m socially awkward. Lord have mercy on us all, I’m the most confident and lively man you’ll find in your universe. I can do anything, say anything, and have no ounce of fear or regret in what I do. Revolutionary, alive, badabing sister, you have to meet me to know me.

What I DO fear, I realized sometime ago, is being in a relationship. It may be me, and people like me, who either don’t know where to start (Boy, do I got stories to tell.), or just don’t want to deal with the problems and heartaches that’ll event. Or both. Either way, that’s probably my one and only fear, yet my one and only thrill. Being in love, not being in love.

Now trust me, and take it my way, I think I could be a damn good boyfriend. And I’m honest there. I’ve taken in that into consideration through what I’ve experienced, seen, and observed with couples for my past life, and still do. I see what’s going right, see what’s going wrong, see who’s to blame for a relationship issue… I’ve seen it all (Not in a creeper manner, I mean.) And believe me, I honestly think I’d be the right man.

But then there’s me with the right woman. Or lack there of. I mean I found some here and there, but that was when I was younger and more of an amateur, and just thought FAR too ahead of myself. Now where I am, that’s mostly what I think of. That, and homework, sadly.

What I question myself at times is whether I’d be devoted to a single person. One person? And for how long? How long til I found someone “better” in some way over the one I’d be with at the moment. This gal, then this gal I met, then this other gal’s friend… all in less than a month. That’s happened many times, still does. And I did find the one (The ONE, damnit!) for awhile, but even she herself has my sort of situation.

When I learned that, I somehow felt more free than a bird would ask for. Because I’m not alone, but also more relaxed than I was before. Maybe I’m just thinking ahead of myself at my age, maybe I’m not. I just felt like clearing this out for my fellow Facebook-ers, but especially for myself.

As for what I’ve taught myself, I want to teach myself again, and maybe teach you: For fuck’s sake, just be yourself. Don’t let a woman, even if you don’t know her at all, make you change that. Because what you do with your character and personality leaves a mark on all the women who notice. They’ll be a sum of those who ignore, and a sum of those who’ll take notice and try to know you. And then there’s the sum who take it naturally (Dont know what that means, though.). And as a side, have personality. Gals like that. Not boredom (usually…), but a sort of “Hot damn!” rockstar-sorta person who knows how to live. And doesn’t obsese, or complicate, or frustrate.

Now why have I myself not done this? Simply this. Because I’m one of the few who don’t have a major rush to be in a relationship. Not yet, at least. I’ll figure this out in time. Yes, there are many moments I feel so alone and lost without a woman, but I enjoy being single. I really do ;) (I’ll expand on this.)

…I should be doing research right now, but my Engineer/Drawing teach is too distracted with what’s going on behind our lab, and I’m not in the mood (I’m in a good mood.) to look up info on a ducted fan. I should ask Brandon whether… nay, I’ll take care of it… not right now. Too busy writing and listening to about 52 Beatles songs on my PSP. Procrastination to the max, doll. Get back. Get back. Get back to where you once belong…

-AG

Tenderment and enlightenment at around midnight.

2010-03-07T12:55:00.000-05:00

So some days ago, I had yet another discussion with someone about reputation and society. Only this one truly got to my mind as to who I actually am in a state of mentality and being, and as a person, which again REALLY got to my mind.

I say "yet another" because I had one some weeks ago with an old friend/mother-figure from my old high school, Evans High. It began with her asking whether diction during conversations would be a problem with certain people we know. We talked about nothing but vocabulary and language, and how language (not cursing, but manner of speech) can leave a mark on a person. About logic and how people like me and her use it (or try to), while some simply ignore it. And how all this can lead to realizing just how truly great or how kinda low someone can be to this person.

"I see research, I don't just look at it to finish my project or essay, I LOOK at it. I observe, evaluate, elaborate these observations. That way, I'll know."

This conversation enlightened me since I never had a conversation this deep, meaningful, or in any case IMPORTANT to me, in a long time. It was just so epic to me it got me to think. This chat made me realize that there really are some people out there that I can have a serious and sincere conversation with

Now about two days later or so, I eventually talked to a fellow drama geek from my current school about... not exactly, but sorta the same sort of discussion I had above. We didn't talk about diction, or people with an idea on diction, but we talked.

And we talked, and talked, and I realized this person knows pretty much EXACTLY how my mind works! I was scared for a few minutes, to be honest. She figured out some ideals that are me, but I didn't know really where me. It felt like she was digging into my mentality before I could use that mentality to its utmost degree on her, or anybody.

Now as for what we were talking about, I can't really remember, since I was trying to save this chat onto Word, (as I did with the other chat before it.) but my Internet kept on crashing that I can't remember most of it. And it was before a week of hectic and hellish Junior Project crap.

However, I found yet another person I can have an honest-to-goodness sort of chat. She told me how if I'm going to critique society, "prepare for society to critique you." How I am a "an nonconformist who's trying to be different and unique...", something like that. However it was phrased, it completely stopped everything, and I had a "Holy [beep]" moment. She knows what I'm talking about and asking for.

I figured out later how much we are related on ideals. Aside the clear hearts to acting and theatre life, we do share almost the same ideas on certain matters of life. After that night, I went to bed with more enlightenment than before. But it had me question more about how I view things, especially society as a whole.

Earlier before my chat with the gal from Evans High, I asked another psychological "riddle" on my Facebook, that there are three words far more stronger and impacting than "I love you." And those who responded wrote with words about hatred, anguish, and comical sexual innuendos. But no, those were not the responses I was asking. For some reason, these three words came to me as I was taking a shower. I've been having this questionable revelations happen alot, for some reason. Anyway, those words were:

"I forgive you."

Nobody would have guessed those words, not even the devoted Christians who responded. Something like this gave me another reason to question society, and whether I really want to be a part of it. But that's when society kicks in. Is it all THAT bad to me? To me? To those who deal with it more than I do? Is it more complex than I picture anything to be easy?

Now by now, we all know about 2012. We don't know, except for the date of December 21st. The theory by Mayans that the world will collapse on that date. Now I believe that theory, but not because of the Mayans. Though they have made incredible strides in technology during their time, I have my own view of as to why we are doomed that day. The world will end not because of solar flares, the Earth's mantle or core, but it will end because of society. Society as of now is immensely @#$&ed. We are at war with many countries and nations (Basically a WW3 without the name.), governments are corrupted, people are corrupted enough to blow up their own race, a sense of morality and trust is rare to find anywhere at anytime, the media is having more control over everybody than before (Sorta like the book, "Fahrenheit 451"), I can go on. But is it all so doomed? Having these conversations made me realize more that there are people like me who question this as much as I do, so everything shut for me for a bit.

Here are some of the problems I noticed I have with myself and my view on society, most I noticed through these chats: I judge. I've been told that before, but I now tell myself this. Maybe not as badly or openly or as much as some people do, but I judge. This became very obvious for myself when I first got into Lakeside. I met some incredible people, like this drama geek above. And I noticed some of these people look like something outside, but some are something incredibly more inside. Now I saw that many times as I was growing up, but never as meaningful or heartfelt as high school (Figures, it's high school.).

I admit, I sometimes feel superior over society and others without mentioning it or putting thought to it. But I write that because I can never seem to find anybody with an honest conscience, one that can talk about theology, religion, evolution, or any of that without making it seem more of a rant or joke than an actual thoughtful opinion. And when I DO find them (the two beautiful women above), I can say that they have a much more stronger sense of worth and opinion to this earth than I or anybody else. Because these two, and far many more than I can image, have a better grasp on reality than I know. And I love that. I love people who can give their thoughts to what they want to say about, say, society or logic, even if it means driving mine to the ground.

Now here's what I DO know I am: I am myself. I don't try to be like anybody else at all. What I do, be it the way I dress, how I react to a certain idea or conscience, or just my way of living...I don't do it for attention, but for my own purpose or entertainment. I live the way I want, I act the way I want to, because it makes ME me and happy. I don't care what haters think, because... they're haters. They can criticize as much as they want about my livelihood, because it won't change me, my livelihood, and my world. And as for my opinion, it is MY opinion. And when I feel like writing down that opinion, or just feel like it, I just damn right do it. I made a quote for myself sometime before any of this. "I break rules, take risks, complicate minds, all for a reason or purpose. Never for attention. Always for reason."... or simply that last sentence.

If you read this far, I hope you don't take anything I wrote as an offense. Though I'm not sure how, I can consider it could happen. A lot of what I mentioned are only a small set of sentences. Believe me, I have MUCH more to say than that, so you can figure more out about what I mentioned when I have the time to write it. I think I finally figured out why I made a blog...

Though I'm not proud to live in a world that is in conflict with its own people, governments, and itself, I AM proud to live in a world where I could find people I can express my entire life to. And to that, I give my word.

And as a final note to this lengthy post, Niccole Wallentine and Madison Junod are both beautiful and phenomenal characters I pray I do not lose in the future. I love you all to death.

-AG

The reasons for what I do to humanity.

2010-03-02T00:31:00.000-05:00

This is a quote from a conversation I had with a real ol' friend of mine from Lakeside High through Facebook some minutes ago. The topic ended, so I thought I may as well bring up a new topic, and I did. Now, I have this habit with people I know, and at times with people I DON'T know, and I can't explain it as well as I did during the talk.

"This is random, but I wanna tell somebody: I'm the sort of person that feeds off testing the patience, psychology, morality, resistance, sanity of humans. I play mind games on everyone, even if it means loosing a friend, just so I can enjoy a laugh. A smile on my face, to see people get absolutely paranoid over the most simplist words. "I know what you did." was one of those. I don't know ANYTHING about what those 120 people did, but I wanted to see if THEY know that. How they'd respond to those 5 words. And everyone of them failed. Even 2 weeks later they STILL ask me what I know. But that's the art and beauty of it. Breathing in their tolerance is one of the keys to my survival. I love it, and I love society for it."

That exact quote, and this very brilliant monologue from 2008's 'The Dark Knight'.

That is all I wish to write. For my Facebook friends, you're welcome.

-AG

List of crap I wish Baby Jesus made easier.

2010-02-28T01:02:00.000-05:00

Like I said, this blog will mostly be me just writing crap over crap, and right now I'm pretty tired and drunk on life, revolution, and pursuit of happiness. So right now, I wanna make a list of life factors I wish would be alot easier and calmer on me:

-Women
-Homework
-School business and survival
-Humanity, society
-The ability of Homosapiens to develop diverse, wise, and creative mindsets
-Microsoft Windows
-Facebook
-Women
-Eggnog (Make it more available and cheaper in the US)
-Teachers taking out their family and money problems on their students
-This damn battery that lasts roughly four minutes
-Being able to get into college without as much hassle at it is now
-Procrastination
-Confusion after waking up
-Photoshop
-Sense of smell
-Attraction
-Acne
-Women
-Having the guts to ask the car dealer across the road how much the 1960s red Chevy Stingray is worth
-Time
-Having the nerve to admit to some girl how much you love her, only to question how incredible and wonderful people honestly think you are, yet you can't admit to THAT?
-Women
-Sleep
-Tranquility
-Finding ways after ways of fighting the cold weather in the summer

-AG

"Ant's Eternally Internal Journal"

2010-02-23T00:09:00.000-05:00

So, as of now, I officially have my blog sorted. This will be the blog title, "ANT'S ETERNALLY INTERNAL JOURNAL", as it'll act as a sort of web journal, about the inner thoughts and opinions I can't usually say allowed without being shunned and crushed. It will also just be a dooda sorta place where I just flatout write.

The URL has been posted on my Facebook, if you've seen it, then please "follow" me on Blogger. It'll act as a sort of second hub for when I'm not on Facebook, since both I can't access Facebook anywhere else, can I? and Blogger/blogging suddenly feels addicting @_@

Anyway, I'm off to finish just one problem for my Chemistry hmwk, then off to bed. Remember, please follow-me do!

-AG

'An Ant's Blog'- First Post

2010-02-22T21:46:00.001-05:00

Hello ello.

Gosh, I told myself I wouldn't make a blog anytime soon. I must be really bored. Really. And I'm ruining my first post here. Crap...

Alright, this is my blog. 'An Ant's Blog'. Not an original name, but it'll satisfy me for now. Like I said, I don't know why I started this. I got my Facebook and Gmail, and that's really all I need as far as communication, as well as speech. But since I began this, I may as well have some fun with it! Since this isnt purposely for those people on FB or Gmail, I DO feel more free to speak my word. And I got some word to say, alright.

Anyway, for now I'm gonna start with this: My name is Anthony Garcia, I'm from NYC, I use a laptop that runs at about six minutes per charge, and I work at a lowdown highschool as a Junior student in Georgia. I love living, peace, video games, relaxing, Playstation, transcendentalism, deism, women, a good story, and breathing in whatever good and beautiful air I could find.

I have lived a very incredible life, which most people can't believe. Even I can't believe. I have met the best and worst in human nature, stormed across battlefields called schools, and made it this far with a lazy eye and skrawny body I was born with.

Like I said, I feel more relaxed and free to write what I choose, without being judge by people I have to deal with for 16 hours. If you wouldn't mind following, I hope you find an open mind from a person my age.